http://clampfix.fanworks.net/ccd-fix/alone.txt </head><body><pre>Shara-san asks, and Shara-san shall receive. ^_^ At the notion that it could work if I conceivably did a companion piece to "Off-Balance" from Nokoru's POV, I decided to work on that. And lo and behold, Nokoru came unto me and gave me Inspiration. Thus became... Alone The Companion Piece to Off-Balance A CLAMP Campus Detectives fanfic by Kay Willow If only I weren't so selfish... The room is luxurious, elegant, and tasteful. I recline on a sofa laden with cushions, I listen to the graceful strains of Beethoven pouring from the speakers, and keep my eyes focused on the crystal vase filled with fresh lilies. I am warm and safe and comfortable, even though I have been kidnapped; it has been this way for as long as I have been valuable to people like the ones who have taken me. I am too precious to mistreat. Takamura-kun is not. If only I weren't so selfish... Others do not see me as selfish. Then again, these others do not truly know me. They know the Elementary School Student Council President, Nokoru-sama, and they know the youngest son of the Imonoyama zaibatsu, Imonoyama Nokoru, but they have never even seen Nokoru. The Student Council President is responsible and thoughtful, the Imonoyama is intelligent and insightful... Nokoru is selfish. I sit perfectly still, holding my fan in my lap. I cling to it tightly, as though it is all that grounds me. This fan is the only physical manifestation of Nokoru - it expresses his thoughts and his emotions, even as the President conducts affairs and the Imonoyama supervises industry. And, for a single moment, I forced the President and the Imonoyama to bow before the will of Nokoru. For perhaps the first time since I became involved with the school government and the family business, I allowed myself to have a say in my actions. The President warned me that being seen to favor another student would be breaking impartial behavior, and the Imonoyama warned me that associating with anyone would open them to the dangerous world I live in -- -- but Nokoru cried out when a strange, golden-eyed underclassman turned away from him in disgust. If only I weren't so selfish! But I indulged my curiosity, looked into the new boy - learned about his hobbies and his personality and his preferences, and found myself only the more curious. A martial artist, when elementary schoolers weren't allowed to assume martial arts rankings; a quiet child, who has been the center of trouble in all his previous schools; heir to a clan I knew I should be able to identify, but couldn't. Against the better judgement of the President and the Imonoyama, Nokoru wanted to find the reason for his dislike. My hand tightens around the fan, until I fear it may snap in two and make myself relax. I want to stand, to pace, to scream, anything to help clear my mind. What have these people done with him? I remember him trying to help me-- Did he fight? Did he run? Was he captured or let go? If only I weren't so selfish... He wouldn't have been there. He'd have gone home, probably be having dinner now, and would've gone to sleep peacefully. But I am selfish, and he was there, and his parents are probably worried to death. The lilies are lovely in the fading light of day, but they offer me no comfort. Their irises are the color of his eyes, and the way they are trapped within the vase makes me wonder if he is similarly restrained. Takamura-kun, do you hate me yet? You will probably never know how unhappy it made me - me, Nokoru, and not the President or the Imonoyama - when I saw that dislike in your eyes. It was our first meeting, and I'd only spoken a greeting to you; no one has ever truly despised me on sight, and I never would've suspected it would hurt so much. So I invited you to the park, to share my favorite ice candy with you and... just talk. I consoled the part of me that screamed caution, excusing myself by claiming that I had no intention of making you my friend, saying that all I wanted was to keep you from hating me without reason. I've given you reason enough now, I suppose. I still don't want you to hate me. If only I wasn't so selfish. I've ruined everything because I'm thoughtless. No one really wants to be alone, and I am a 'people person' at heart. I need to have friends, to have laughter and camaraderie and affection. But because I AM the President and the Imonoyama, by claiming those things I put the ones involved in danger. It would've hurt me just as much as them, when their friendship with me got them into trouble. There's my quandary. Because I am a 'people person', I can not survive without friends. Because I am a 'people person', I can not stand putting anyone in danger. Making friends would mean putting people in danger. So I can do neither. I must be alone, and it tears me apart. Not that this will make any difference to you, Takamura-kun. Even if you give me the chance to explain this to you, I can not see how you would understand. The door opens, catching my attention instantly. I am greeted by the sight I was expecting - a woman. "Welcome to my mansion," she says smoothly. Another problem of mine is that my enemies know me too well. She watches me, a slight smile playing on her lips, chuckling under her breath. I can only wait, resigned, as she approaches. My options have just been neatly halved; I can not escape from a woman who desires my company, nor can I attempt to fight my way free - chances are, these men are professionals anyway. I stand slowly as she continues, "I'm so very pleased I could meet you." She is unafraid of me, completely in control; she knows, too. I take her hand and bow over it courteously, and she comments to herself in pleased tones, "Just like the rumors. Such a gentleman." "It is my policy to be polite to ladies." I smile sweetly. There's no sense in lying, as she already knows this - but there is even less point in letting her see my inner turmoil. "Whoever they may be. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance." I lower my eyes. "I'm sure you already know who I am..." I leave it hanging, a silent question tacked on at the end. "Yes..." She looks around, her expression thoughtful. "I am... let's see..." Her gaze focuses, and her lips curve upwards. "I'll just say my name is Casablanca." A predatory look comes into her eyes, carefully hidden. "One of the many kidnappers you've had in your life." I smile in spite of myself. I do believe this is going to turn into a word game, and I'm quite fond of word games. Casablanca has another thing coming if she thinks she can defeat me in my element. She turns away, gliding to the table. "Would you like some tea?" she asks casually. "I believe you are partial to milk tea. Correct?" "I do like milk tea..." I look down at the marble floor, distracted for a moment. Without allowing it to show on my face, I turn my glance into a thoughtful pose. "...but not in the home of a complete stranger I have neither heard of nor met before." She seems startled. I'm not about to relax here, sit having tea with my kidnapper while Takamura is who knows where. I give her one of my favorite grins, the one I use to keep people from seeing my true thoughts. "This doesn't seem like it's for profit," I say suddenly. There is complete silence for a long moment after the non sequitur, a frozen tableau of an elementary schooler ignoring the polite advances of a sophisticated young woman. The cup of tea steams in her hand, and I continue to pretend it isn't there. Casablanca murmurs to herself in a surprised tone, "How calm... As expected of the youngest son of the Imonoyama zaibatsu." Ah. So this kidnapping was for the Imonoyama, then. It figures. Who would notice the boy himself when there is such wealth and power behind him? Always alone. "Let me hear your demands," I tell her, suppressing my true feelings, as I have for so very long now. "What is it that you want out of me?" I sit down gracefully, feigning complete relaxation. The part of me that is wholly Imonoyama prompts that nothing here could ever disturb one as in control as I. "I want... YOU." The part of me that is wholly Imonoyama falls silent. "Wh... What did you say?" I stammer, confused and surprised. "I want you." I struggle with that concept for a moment. In my life, there were CLAMP Campus schoolchildren, who either idolized or worshipped the President, and then there were adults, who either respected or envied the Imonoyama. Here before me is a woman who wants neither - who wants me. Well, I wasn't going to give her the Imonoyama, and the President isn't mine to give - but she CERTAINLY can't have Nokoru! I attempt to convey this, while leaving out the important parts about my life. "Since I am not merchandise, I'm afraid I can't fulfill that request. See, as proof..." I hold a hand to my chest in demonstration. "I have no price tags!" "You are good with jokes," Casablanca answers, with what I believe is forced amusement in her tone. Cheer returns with gratifying ease, and I settle myself into the cushions calmly. "If you want me as the youngest son of the Imonoyama zaibatsu, I'm afraid I can't meet your needs. I AM the youngest, and I have much to do with the family fortune..." "Another farce," she interrupts, moving forwards. "The entire Electrical Engineering Department of the Imonoyama zaibatsu is under your control." I only widen my smile. She's done her research; that is a very carefully controlled fact. After all, my father's associates and supporters wouldn't think very much of his management style if they knew that a good third of our income is generated from a nine-year-old. Casablanca slides her knee back on the couch until she rears over me, her leg touching mine. I refuse to look at her, instead staring at the opposite wall. What does she think this little act is getting her? "While the fortune is certainly appealing, I am not interested in it. YOU are what I want." Her hand slides under my chin and tilts my head upwards. "Your brain." I blink helplessly as she leans down. "I want the brain of Imonoyama Nokoru, which even NASA desires and refuses to give up on." She comes close enough that I can feel her breath wafting across my cheek, then backs up a bit. Her eyes are distant, thinking of her ultimate goal. "I can dominate the future of the electronics industry if I can have you." I take advantage of her distraction to nudge her hand from my face with the fan. "I am flattered to have such a beautiful lady assess me as such..." I snap the fan open with a practiced motion. "But there is no merit for me in that proposal." "Merit?" Casablanca echoes, astonished. The fan closes again with an air of finality - just as this issue closes, as far as I'm concerned. I inform her in my most matter-of-fact tone, "I gain nothing by becoming yours." I look up at her and smile. Indeed, I am very pleased with the way this is turning out. "No matter what conditions or promises you give me. I haven't been feeling restricted in any way and I'm perfectly happy the way I am now." I wave open the fan again, displaying the words 'Satisfied Life' printed neatly across it. Her expression is displeased, and she seems to be debating her next comment when the phone rings. "Excuse me..." she says instead, a gracious note in her tone that tells me clearly that I ought to be grateful that she's giving me this chance to reconsider. I am a liar as well as selfish. I have been feeling restricted. But then, I've been feeling restricted all my life - always having to play a role instead of being myself, always having to live apart from others - and that would not change if I went with her. Suddenly, a faint sound catches my attention. I cock my head to one side, listening... there it is again. Grinding? Gears? In a parlor? Casablanca hangs up the phone, and I resume my patient stance. "I'm sorry about that," she says politely. "Now back to our negotiation." "'Negotiation'?" I repeat curiously, in a deliberately light-hearted voice. The last thing I want is to offend her, for even if she wasn't a lady I would be disinclined to antagonize someone who had kidnapped me. "You have nothing to negotiate with. I have already told you that you can offer me nothing." This is where we enter dangerous ground; I need to keep her attention on me. "How about your well-being?" she tries. "No good." I spread my arms meaningfully. "If you want my intelligence, you will only damage your own cause by hurting me." I stand, holding the fan by my cheek, behaving as though I am already victorious. "My well-being is guaranteed." "Really, you are so smart that you're irritating," she muses aloud, one hand to her face. "Hard to believe you're only in the third grade. In that case..." There is a slight racket beyond the window as a flock of birds take flight. Without realizing it, my triumphant bearing has slipped into uncertainty, and my hand lowers slowly. "...what about that other kid?" "'That other kid'?" I whisper, praying it sounds to her like I don't remember and not that my hope is shattered. Fear chills me - I had hoped that she would forget him, or regard him as too insignificant to be a bargaining tool. Casablanca moves to stand behind me, a predatory smile in her voice. "It's unlike you to walk with someone in particular," she says slyly, resting one hand on my shoulder. "Is he special?" She draws in close, watching me with a hawk's eyes. "A special friend?" Before I can give myself away, I whip open the fan - it is a good thing that it does not speak, for the words "A Friend Is A Friend" would most certainly be tinged with panic - and begin with false easiness, "He's just a kouhai I was walking together with. It was a coincidence we were together." I shut the fan again, knowing that if I held it up any longer my hands would begin to shake. "He's not a friend." I have no friends. I am alone. Her expression went from shock to displeasure to exasperation as I spoke, and now she turns away and growls under her breath, "I don't care what he is." I stifle indignation; that wasn't what it sounded like when she draped herself around me, asking about 'special friends'. Casablanca walks away, her pace even and reserved. "Well, wouldn't the kouhai-kun be good negotiation material?" I force myself to stand perfectly still, one frustrated exhalation all that escapes me. She seemed so close to forgetting him entirely, caught up in the greater glory of having captured her prey... I whip around, so she doesn't see the thwarted hopes in my face, to stare out the window. There is a moment of silence, which answers her question. I can feel her eyes on me as she prompts helpfully, "If you say yes, I will make sure your kouhai-kun gets taken safely back to his home." Surely she must notice how my hands are shaking, how my body is tense as a bowstring. "If you say no..." "He has nothing to do with this," I manage to choke out, almost frightening myself at how strangled my voice sounds. My inner balance is ruined beyond repair; the President and the Imonoyama are distant memories now, and Nokoru - the weak, the selfish, the uncertain - is all that remains. "Of course he doesn't." Her voice is layered with satisfaction. "But because you're so kind, you can't tolerate anyone being hurt." Because I'm selfish, someone will be. "That's why you took care never to make any friends or let anyone get too close to you." Because I'm selfish... and I'm still alone... Loneliness is the only eternal thing for me. The only 'always' in my life. "At least, that's what I've heard," she finishes with smooth amusement. I can hear her heels on the marble as she walks toward me. "And this is important enough that I will take whatever advantages I can get..." I turn to face her, glowering with a fury I have never felt before. That anyone could take a weakness that comes from a kind nature and twist it into such a foul blackmail... Anger is completely foreign to the President and the Imonoyama, but I am still a human being, and I burn with it. Casablanca flinches back from the look in my eyes, shock dancing across her features for a moment. Out of nowhere, she spins on her heel and wraps her arms around herself, declaring, "I am a member of a certain group. I'm only obeying orders from above!" The horrible anger fades; I watch her dully, wondering if I have frightened her into using such a ridiculous act to divert my attention. It disgusts me that I lost control like that - but Nokoru is weak. She has begun rocking back and forth now, hugging herself tightly. "If I don't take you back with me, I will face hard times for your refusal!" "Miss Casablanca," I begin flatly, letting her know that I'm not fooled by her change of subject. Casablanca turns back to face me, pleading in her eyes and voice. "Isn't it against your morals to have a woman like me suffer? Please say yes!" I close my eyes and angle my face away. It's such a pathetic act, and I am in no mood to be amused by it. "That's a lie." She jerks upright, making a startled sound, and I look up at her again, one finger raised to emphasize my point. "You are most likely one of the highest powers in your group. I doubt they will treat you very harshly." "H... How did you know?" she says, genuine surprise obvious. "Firstly, for choosing Casablanca as your code name." If being Nokoru at the very core of myself is beneficial at all, it is from his love of logic and inherently clever nature - although perhaps these things only make me all the more alone. I begin reciting my knowledge calmly. "That flower, sometimes referred to as the 'Queen of Lilies', is said to portray magnificent love. I doubt that a criminal at the lower end of her organization would choose such an elegant name." "You truly are an intelligent kid..." she states darkly. "Secondly, because you give commands as though you are used to being obeyed and because of your automatic assumption of credit - '*I* can control the future of the electronics industry', you--" "...but it is true that I am under orders," she finishes, cutting short my explanations. "Is your group that large, then?" I ask. I will not be upset by her interruption. "By the way," Casablanca says, ignoring my question. She shifts her stance and begins playing with her hair. "If your kouhai-kun is also a student on CLAMP Campus, that means he is also very intelligent, doesn't it?" For a moment, I'd hoped I had managed to distract her. I've begun shaking again; I'm glad she can't see me in her current position. "Even the most intelligent of children would never be able to escape this mansion." I can hear the predatory smile in her voice. "It looks like the kouhai-kun is serving as my trump card this hand." Without conscious direction, I take a step forward, the anger returning in an almost painful surge. "I hope you haven't done anything to Takamura!" "I haven't done anything... yet. He's just locked up with supervision." She tilts her head to one side. "I'm sure he's crying in his underground cell right now." Her voice is pleased. My eyes are closed, my body is shaking, and it is all I can do to rein in my emotions. If he's in pain, if he's so much as skinned his knee, it will be my fault. The only blame is mine, and all responsibility is mine. I don't know what I'll do if he's been hurt... "So." She turns again, and smiles at me sympathetically. "Say yes." All those years, what did I suffer for? The heartache, the loneliness... Is this all it comes to? I'm sorry. To those of you I could've loved, to my father and mother whom I have betrayed, to myself for being so selfish as to bring this about... "Come. All it takes is one little word." My throat is constricted, and I can only barely grit out, "I understand." Defeat is agony, self-inflicted torture. Somehow I knew it would be. The doors explode open, and a thick wave of acrid smoke billows into the room. Both of us start upright, bewildered, as a slight figure with blue hair and gold eyes appears in the door. "Senpai!" he cries. "T... Takamura?" I demand, unable to comprehend this new development for a moment. "No way!" Casablanca squawks behind me. He runs up to me, something both content and worried in his eyes. I glance him over, noticing that although his uniform is a trifle disheveled, he is completely untouched. I wish I had some idea what was going on. "Senpai! Are you hurt?" he asks. You're asking me? is all I can think. "I'm... fine, Takamura. But how did--?" "I defeated the watchmen," he tells me simply, as though it were an everyday occurrence that an eight-year-old should somehow best his kidnappers, fight his way through an entire mansion, and rescue his senpai. "Defeated...? And..." I watch him closely, trying to get a better grip of the situation. It is unusual, indeed, that I find myself unable to deal with my surroundings. "...you came here?" He bows his head. "I wanted to say thank you," Takamura answers hesitantly. "'Thank you'?" I parrot. Why is he thanking me? Look at all that's happened to him because of me! Even if he does seem to have rebounded nicely... and he doesn't seem to hate me for it... "What--" "Never mind that. Let's go!" He takes my wrist and hauls me in the direction of the door. I stumble forward, then pull back. After everything I've already put him through, I certainly don't need him to get himself deeper into this mess for me. "Wait a moment! We're going up against pros. Even if you have dans in judo and karate--" And heaven only knows how he got those-- His expression is annoyed as he glances back at me. "I was caught off-guard at the park! I will not make such a fool of myself now!" He speaks quickly, angrily, as though he finds those memories humiliating. "Let's go!" he insists again when I do not move, his grip on my arm painfully tight as he jerks me forward again. I nearly trip over myself, and steady my weight against his hold. There are better ways to get out of this, and I don't want him to risk himself for me more than he already has. He's a hundred times a fool just for coming here instead of leaving right away. No President, no Imonoyama is worth this. Certainly not Nokoru. "You have nothing to do with this, it's me that they want. I'll just talk to them, explain the situation--" "You've been KIDNAPPED!" he nearly shouts. "They're not going to listen to your explanations!" He's not seeing this correctly, he's looking at it only in terms of 'now'. He's not thinking of what could happen. Sure, he could drag me from the room - to what? A small army of hitmen? I won't allow it, and if he won't look into the near future, then I have to make it clear to him. "WAIT!" Like a deer in headlights, he freezes. With immeasurable slowness, he turns to watch me with wide eyes - the eyes of a wild animal, untamed and hesitant and confused. Some instinct, some part of Nokoru that has nothing to do with work or titles, gentles my words and my voice. "I don't want you to get hurt," I say, trying to convey in that simple sentiment everything that I've been hiding. Why I brought him to the park, why I can never be myself, why I've never had anyone, why I always will be alone, so alone... "Senpai..." he breathes, and those golden eyes calm. He didn't hear my message - there's nothing soothing in that. But then, I never expected him to hear. It's like there's an ocean that separates me from the rest of the world. I am alone. Always. I have completely forgotten about Casablanca, and it startles me when she begins screaming into the microphone for back-up. Alarms begin ringing, and I imagine that the house's defenses have been activated. There's no hope, now. I probably won't be able to save him. He releases my arm, and suddenly his hand is full of blades. I blink, surprised, as a thought niggles at the back of my mind. "You are..." His bearing is relaxed, but I'm not fooled by his seeming negligence - he is prepared for battle. "I never got to thank you, senpai. The ice candy at the park *was* delicious," Takamura says calmly without once taking his eyes from the door. Suddenly, I succeed in putting two and two together. "Oh, I get it!" I cry, straightening and smacking my head to make it start working again. How could I have forgotten? "You're TAKAMURA SUOH!" He gives me a puzzled look, slipping out of his ready stance. I can only smile at him with a mixture of many emotions I can not physically express - regret that I hadn't been able to avoid this, embarrassed that I hadn't been able to remember, gratitude because now I know we'll be all right. I can go to my task without concern, then. If he is as I recall, then he will not fail. With agonizing slowness, he begins to smile back. He sees something in me that reassures him, and I'm glad that I can support him. I'll need to be able to count on him if I'm to do this right. He can take care of himself. For once, I don't need to worry about getting someone in trouble. ...don't need to worry about being alone. I throw myself to the floor, putting my ear to the ground and listening for the sound I heard earlier. He doesn't move. "S... senpai?" he questions, his uncertainty clear in his voice. In spite of the seriousness of the situation, I smile at him bashfully. He may not understand me, but does any human understand another? I feel like I'm meeting distant family for the first time; I want to show him something to prove myself. I hold one finger to my lips, because if he isn't silent I won't be able to hear. "I'll try to find it quickly." "Find?" "Until then, keep them away." I move another few inches towards the far wall, zeroing in on the sounds. I watch him, feeling true hope for the first time since giving him the ice candy, way back at the kiddie park, a world from here. "And later maybe we can have that ice candy again." Perhaps something in my blood equates food with happiness - it's certainly true for my sisters and my mother. "I will!" he asserts, and runs to meet the men at the door. Casablanca is calling orders, making statements - I can't hear her. I focus my entire being, all that I am, on that obscure noise that I keep hearing. More to the right, a bit away from the fighting. I look up to see for a brief moment, and briefly remember what I had forgotten about the Takamura Clan. They are said to be one of the finest martial arts families in Japan, descendants of ninja. The way he moves, it certainly seems more than likely; he's like a miniature hurricane, wreaking havoc among the black-suited men. Up just a bit... Politicians and other powerful men have always wanted Takamura bodyguards; there are no more efficient guardians in all the world, it has been said. But the people of Takamura are not for hire - they have always chosen their own charges... Here! The gears sound from here, underneath the floor. I get to my feet, relieved. "I'm sorry to keep you waiting," I offer, trotting over to his side. "I've found it!" "Eh?" He stands slowly. Casablanca hangs up the phone with a distractingly loud sound. "I had underestimated your kouhai-kun, thinking him a child," she says in an unpleasant tone. "But this time he won't be good enough, I'm afraid. The men coming up now are all professional fighters. And against thirty of them?" There's something taunting in her tone. "Give up, Imonoyama-san." She stops just at the edge of insult. Give up? Now why would I do something silly like that when I hold the upper hand now? I shake my head with mock-regret and step forward slowly. "I'm afraid I can't do that. I think it's in my blood, not to give up. Besides..." I take his arm and lean in close to him, my chin just touching his shoulder. "I have a powerful ally." His body turns to stone under my grip and he half-turns to take a closer look at me. I keep my position; I will not reveal any more weaknesses to Casablanca than I already have. "Takamura?" I whisper as quietly as I can. "Are you okay with dark places?" "Y... yes." Something's strange about his voice, but I need to act quickly before her reinforcements arrive. "Good. Then let's go." I move back and tug him towards the spot above the gears. "Where do you think you're going?" Casablanca demands suddenly. "This is the only exit. How do you think you're going to get away?" Definitely taunting, and I've never been one to refuse a challenge. "Like this!" I slam the heel of my right shoe down onto the thinnest point of the floor. And, as I expected, it gives way underneath both of us and takes us below. An underground elevator. I cross my arms contentedly, awaiting the basement stop and enjoying his startled expression. This isn't turning out so bad, actually. It's rather fun, if a bit harrowing. The elevator reaches the basement floor and we break into a run at the same time. I can see thin strips in the ceiling where barricades have been built, every few feet. They won't lower them all, of course, because they need me at least in one piece, but they could still trap us down here. I turn and warn him, "We'd better hurry. If those metal doors come down, we'll probably wind up getting into trouble." The sour expression on his face tells me his thoughts, and I can't help giggling. He asks suddenly, "How did you know about the elevator?" "Sound!" I proceed to explain to him my rationale, smiling at his stunned appearance. It's almost absurdly easy to take him off-guard; I rather like it. Out of nowhere, the passage in front of us is blocked by one of the doors. I push off it and into the corridor to the right, dashing as fast as I can, seeing that yet another one is descending there. I can't possibly make it. "Senpai, look out!" Takamura shouts abruptly, grabbing my hand and suddenly accelerating to the point where he nearly jerks me off my feet-- --then he throws us forwards-- --under the descending door-- --and beyond it. I land on top of him somehow, feeling dazed and winded. I stare down at him blankly, then get my bearings and look up, nearly sighing with relief. "The exit." I open the shutters onto the mansion's roof. We're four stories in the air, and there's no way we can jump, or even climb to the ground. I look around for inspiration, but there's nothing. The sun, though still above the horizon, shines only dimly here because of the trees around it. "What kind of an escape route is this? It looks like it gets good enough sunlight, but it's no good for hanging up laundry." I shake my head. He offers hesitantly, "We'll have to go back." "Not so!" If he was Casablanca's trump card - although he does seem to have backfired on her - then this is mine. Time to put it on the table at last. He watches me with great anticipation, and I feel rather ridiculous, hauling out a stuffed penguin in answer to his expectations. He staggers, regains his equilibrium, and demands, "What? How's THAT going to help?" No need to tell him all my secrets just yet. Besides, there's always the chance that he'd let it slip to Casablanca, and she could conceivably take actions to stop our rescue vehicle's arrival. I press the button on the penguin's bowtie, feeling quite pleased with myself even as Casablanca's footsteps can be heard behind me. "YOU!" she snarls, and I turn to face her, cradling the penguin to my chest. "I won't let you go! I've captured you and now I won't let you go!" "About that offer? I think I'll have to decline." I'm sorry, good lady, but I can't allow you to claim me as your prize. I have my own life to live, even if it's alone. Another man moves into place behind her as she growls angrily, "I thought you said you understood." I have to stifle giddy laughter as I waggle a finger at her scoldingly. "I said I understood, not that I would." I beam at her. "Japanese is difficult, isn't it?" "In that case, I will see your kouhai-kun suffer!" All my self-satisfaction vanishes in an instant as she whips the gun out of her associates' grip. "AS I PROMISED!" She fires. I won't let it happen this way. If there is any victim here, it at least ought to be me. This never would have happened if not for me - and as I am to be alone, what does my pain matter? I will not share it with anyone, and the only one who suffers is me. Furthering my own pain, making another reason to stay away from others... It is a vicious cycle, without end, without break. I move in front of him. "SENPAI!" The bullet only grazes my arm, but the pain is absurdly excruciating for such a simple injury. With a choked cry, I stumble backwards, and he catches me in strangely gentle arms, helping me to the ground. "SENPAI!" Don't... The pain, the bleeding, is more from my own heart than from this wound. If tears blur my sight, they are not caused by the bullet. I wish he'd stop holding me, because when I return to my isolation it will only be all the more painful and I *can't* put anyone else in danger, I can't... I look up at him, and his eyes are afraid and miserable and surprised and a thousand other shades of emotion and I can only barely think straight enough to realize that it's because of me, for me, again. "I'm sorry," I murmur to him, my voice stronger than my mind. Even through the pain, I can tell that something is happening. All of a sudden, his embrace becomes protective and sheltering; his eyes go wide with one of those feelings I didn't know; his panic melts out of him like it has been deflated with a sharp pin. "Senpai..." he breathes, and the word tears me apart again. It sounds like he KNOWS me, and it hurts because nobody really does and nobody ever will. "I should never have bothered you," I continue hopelessly. If I'd never bothered you, if only I hadn't been so selfish, I'd never have felt this and known this and everything would've been so much better... "I didn't mean to put you in danger." Or to lose myself. I want the President or the Imonoyama to come back, because Nokoru is weak and in pain and doesn't want to be alone anymore... Suddenly Casablanca says the word I've been avoiding for so long, and my attention snaps back to her. "--friends, the reason you're always alone, is because you don't want those around you to get hurt because of you. Very commendable. Very smooth." I can't tell if her tone is admiring or scornful, because my own confusion rings in my ears like the marching band from hell. "No..." I force myself to sit up, ignoring the tearing pain from my wound and the tearing pain in my heart as I move away from him. "I'm just thoughtless." The wind picks up, blowing against the patterns, and I nearly collapse again with relief. It's here, the balloon is here, and once I'm away from here everything will be made clear. My thoughts inevitably dissolve into meaningless ranting whenever I lose control of my situation and surroundings, and I hate it because I am a creature of logic. There comes the penguin-blimp, cresting the house in a rather awkward fashion. What's wrong? If I analyze that, perhaps I can restore some semblance of order upon myself... "A bit slower than it ought to be," I muse to myself. "I suppose we'll have to go back to the normal design after all. It may seem kind of silly, but there's plenty of room for two passengers." I smile half-heartedly at him as he begins to shift around, then stop and blink in surprise. Takamura has pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, and as I watch he shreds it into strips and begins fashioning a bandage of sorts around the wound in my arm. I ask slowly, "Takamura?" "Please hold on tightly," he tells me tightly, and before I can ask why he has hefted me over one shoulder and is sprinting for the edge of the roof. He is in the air, and I have only a brief moment to fear falling before the rope presses against my leg. He boosts me up and I climb gratefully up the ladder and onto the balloon. I curl up into a ball, clenching my teeth together and praying this day will vanish into the mists of memory and tomorrow I will wake up and everything will be as normal. I'll talk to my classmates, attend Student Council duties as sparingly as possible, supervise my father's workforce, maybe huddle in the middle of my bed for a while and not think about how unhappy I really am... I unwrap myself quickly as he reappears. An oppressive quiet falls. I can't let things stand like that; I never could. So I talk about the balloon, for lack of anything else to comment on but the weather. Night comes with extraordinary splendor to the city, and I wish I could relax and enjoy it. Abruptly, I know that the issue can't be avoided. I need to let him know where things stand. "I'm sorry, Takamura-kun," I find myself apologizing again. "I'm the one who got you into all this trouble. I promise not to try and get close to you again." Oh, but how it hurts, and it hurts... "No," he says, a peaceful quiet in his words. "I will be by your side." I sit up straighter and turn to watch him, shock wiping away my pain for a moment. "What?" Do you know what you're getting yourself into? I want to cry. Do you have any idea what it means to be like this, to live like this? Being someone you aren't, being everyone's ideal, being distant and being perfect... He is looking off into the stars as he replies serenely, "You seem to be the someone that I would meet one day. So I will protect you." He is Takamura. He knows. Our eyes meet, and the loneliness is gone as though it never existed. "Always." I smile, putting everything that I am into it. Alone will never again be the only 'always' in my existence. I have something better now. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- This SO wrote itself that it isn't even funny. I am fanatically insecure about this piece, because I'm unsure how to handle Nokoru. Comments are DEFINITELY appreciated on this. Btw, did anyone else have this image of butterfly wings, watching the anime scene where Casablanca was holding Nokoru's face up, and he was blinking...? I'm just weird. Gave me a lovely butterfly-like image. That was gorgeous. Willow selanicia@hotmail.com DISCLAIMER: All these characters - um, Nokoru, Suoh, and "Casablanca" - belong to CLAMP. I've only mangled their personalities in a manner which is probably completely dissimilar to reality. Don't hate me. CLAMP Campus Detectives is the licensed property of CLAMP, as you can see because it has their name on it! 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