http://clampfix.fanworks.net/ccd-fix/justnokoru.txt </head><body><pre>"Just Nokoru" by Mizuki Kaho (mizuki_kaho@yahoo.com) I’m not sure whether or not to classify this as CCD or X. @@; Probably CCD. This fic is basically a POV from Imonoyama Nokoru but takes place when he is Chairman, but a little bit before he and the others make their appearance in X. I suppose that this can have a mild shounen ai warning, although it is only Nokoru reflecting on his feelings. C & C would be GREATLY appreciated!!! o.o This is the first fic I've gotten the guts to release since... oh, 1997 ><; Nokoru was created and is owned by CLAMP. No copyright infringement intended of course. Author's notes follow the fic ^-^ -- I sigh, looking around the empty Chairman’s room. For the moment I am alone here, without Suoh or Akira. They have both gone for the day, gone home to their families, their loved ones, leaving me to my own thoughts. I would go home if I felt I really had somewhere to go home to. Even from my youngest years, I have known that a home is somewhere where you feel at home, needed, wanted, and loved. As the youngest of the Imonoyama sons, I never got much attention. My family is a large group, all extremely talented and… well, busy. Out of six children, four of those sons, it has always been difficult to stand out and get attention. My father was always busy with the group. Because of his hectic schedule, and the hours that he kept, I rarely saw him. My eldest brother, the eldest of all the Imonoyama children, was named heir to the Imonoyama Group long before I was even born. I never minded that; he could have that position, he deserves that position. He is more than fifteen years older than me; he was groomed for the position ever since he was old enough to understand what was going on. I never did see much of him; I saw even less of him as I grew older. I did not see much of my other siblings either. All were busy doing something or other; as President, I was often busy with Council duties, and as a result, I spent more time with Suoh and Akira than I did with my family. On the other hand, I saw a great deal of my mother, but not in the way I imagine most mothers see their children. When I was growing up, she was never "Okaasama" she was always "Rijichou." Chairwoman. Throughout my years as President of the various division of CLAMP Campus, she would always appear, dressed in her kimono, her face hidden behind her fan, giving me words of advice. I knew, almost from the day I was appointed as President of the Kindergarten Division, that I would someday take her place. Like my brother who was groomed for the position as Head of the Imonoyama Group, I was groomed for the position of Chairman of CLAMP Campus. On the night prior to my graduation from the High School Division, she called me up to this office, her office. For once, she did not hide behind her fan, but instead greeted me with a grave expression on her face. She spoke of how proud she was of my work, and how she hoped that, once I had graduated from the University division, I would take over the Chairman’s position so that she could retire. I accepted gladly of course, hoping for such a chance. But even as she spoke, and even as I accepted, I remember almost crying inside. She spoke to me as a colleague, but not as a mother. Her pride was that of a fellow colleague, but not a motherly pride. I wanted so much, in that moment, to have a mother, to have a family, that supported my work. But even then, I did not receive it. "Kaichou?" Akira had asked me when I returned to the High School Council office. "How did the talk with the Chairwoman go?" "It went well," I had answered, sitting on my desk, my back turned to the both of them, looking out the window. Every Division had its own beautiful view of the campus from the Council room. I knew that I would be moving on to the University Division soon. I sat there silently for a while, twirling my fan in my hand. My fan…. Anyone who knew anything about my family could always point out an Imonoyama by the fans that they carried. I stared down at it and opened it, but without the usual flourish that I usually added to it. I found myself wondering if this small, insignificant object, was the only thing binding me to my family other than my name? "Kaichou?" Suoh stood with Akira behind me. They always knew when something was wrong. I remember that I wanted to say something. I wanted to tell them about the talk that I had just had with my mother. I wanted to tell them what I was feeling, how happy and hurt I was at the same time. But a lump just rose in my throat, and I found I could not say anything. For once, I was speechless. I just shook and bowed my head, feeling the tears start to form in my eyes. I fought them down as much as I could; an Imonoyama does not cry. But I was, I am Nokoru before I am an Imonoyama… and the tears began to flow before I could even stop them. I still don’t know who it was but I felt one pair of arms around me, holding me, and then another. Akira and Suoh were quiet as they held me, as they let me cry. They never asked why I was crying, but I am sure they knew why. There were times that Suoh would complain about his mother and her penchant for testing his alertness during the strangest times, like tea time. Akira would sometimes have to rush out at the end of day, apologizing profusely, saying that he had to make dinner for his mothers. I smile to myself now, remembering one of those times. Akira had left a note, apologizing for having to leave with a mountain of unfinished paperwork left to do. Smiling to each other, Suoh and I finished his work for him, and we had left him a note, saying that the "little people" had done it for him because he was always such a good worker. When Akira found out the next day, he was very happy that the "little people" had thought enough of him to do it for him. I do not get much time to myself. From the moment I wake to the moment I slip into that blessed darkness called sleep I am busy, usually preparing plans for the next meeting of the CLAMP Campus council or reviewing some of the projects that the Electrical Engineering Division of the Imonoyama Group or hatching another plot that is sure to drive Suoh absolutely nuts. I smile to myself. Suoh… my friend, my bodyguard, my loyal secretary, my never ending nag. He is the one who keeps me on my toes, making sure I get my paperwork done and/or keep me from breaking my neck doing something or other he’s told me not to do. I never listen to his warnings about telling me no to do stuff. Sometimes I think he tells me not to do something out of habit; its something he has been telling me for almost 20 years now and old habits are hard to break. Akira is always at my other side. It worries me sometimes that he sometimes perceives himself to be second to Suoh. To me, he and Suoh are on equal footing. Where Suoh provides logic and practicality, Akira provides emotional insight and enthusiasm. When we were younger, he was always the one with the bright, child-like smile, the wide eyes curious to know what was going on, and the naļve enthusiasm that could only be described as Ijyuin Akira. But as we grew older, I saw his eyes and smile darken a little, becoming just a little bit more conscious, and a little bit more forced. It saddened me because I knew why. For at least a year, one of us would be seperated from the other two. When I entered junior high, it was me. Although we all spent our lunch hours together, and still often worked together as the CLAMP Campus Detective team, we were still apart for the majority of the day. When it was my turn, I felt terribly lonely at school. So when it was Akira’s turn, I knew how he would feel. Akira is incredibly sensitive, and even now, he is still a little bit naļve, but I know that his innocent facade is little more than an act. Behind that facade lies someone much deeper, someone who is hurting and perhaps, even now, a little lonely. If I were to tell anyone I sometimes felt lonely, horribly lonely, I am sure they would laugh. After all, I am Imonoyama Nokoru, the famed "ladies man" of CLAMP Campus. I am no idiot; I know that women surround me day in and day out. A good fourth of the calls that come into my office are from women. Every Valentine’s Day, my office is swamped with chocolates of every conceivable shape, size, and variety. I have heard the scathing comments from other men on the campus, about my policy about being polite to every female I meet, yet I have no woman by my side. I honestly do believe in making every lady feel special, to treat them with the kindness and politeness that they deserve. But even so, I have never had a girlfriend. Will I ever marry? I do not believe that I will. I know these women fawn over me because of what I am, and the importance and power that I have. I am the youngest son of the Imonoyama family. I control the Electrical Engineering division of the Imonoyama Group. I am the Chairman of CLAMP Campus. I am rich. I am powerful. I am brilliant. I am good looking. That is all that these women see, but none of these women truly love me for who I am. Why? Because they do not know me. How could they know me? I have never, ever, let any woman that close to me so that they could love me. Someday in the future, would I? The answer is no. I would not do that because I have already found the one, or should I say ones, that I love. My two best friends. My assistants. My two bodyguards. Suoh and Akira. Yes, I can truly say that I love these men; it is a kind of love that runs deep, that is far deeper than just a physical or emotional want or desire but a love that transcends its own definition. Simply put, without either of them in my life, I would feel grossly incomplete. Even more than just loving them, I am in love with them.. I think they love me too. No… I am sure they do. They have never told me as much; Suoh is such a quiet man now, I do not think that he could tell me that in so many words. As for Akira, I can see in his feelings in his eyes. He has never been able to hide his emotions, not from me at least. Even that smile of his cannot hide it. Will anything ever come from my love for them? Are they in love with me the way I am with them? Probably not. They are both in love with two of the most amazing women that I have ever met in my lifetime, two women that match their souls almost perfectly. They deserve to be loved by women like that, rather than by a man like me. Who am I to be worthy of men such as them? Suoh, ever loyal, silently caring; Akira, charming, enthusiastic, understanding, willing to do anything. Because I know all this, I could never ask them if they are in love with me. They love me for who I am because they know who I am, sometimes better than I know myself. Just the knowledge that they love me should be enough; I do not need to ask them if they are in love with me the way I am with them. I am lucky enough as it is, to have them with me all the time. Many lovers spend a large time apart from each other. I have them by my side at all times. Perhaps it is selfish of me to always want them beside me. But there are times like now, when I am alone, that I find myself wishing for more. To be able to tell them how I feel, to go where love takes so many other people. As we went through school, my name to both of them was always "Kaichou." "Kaichou" this "Kaichou" that. Never "Nokoru." Sometimes I wonder if I am "Nokoru" to anyone. Am I always just going to be "Rijichou" or "-sama"? Is it too much to ask to just want to be a regular person to someone? Is it too much to ask to have just a name and not a title? Damn Japanese manners that state that you must always address someone as either above you or below you… unless it is perfectly clear you are on equal footing. I consider them my equals… I wish, I hope, I want so badly for them to think of me not as their superior, but as their equal. Is that so much to hope for the ones you love to think of you as you think of them? I do not want to be followed, to have them look to me for orders; I want to be on equal footing with them. I am just Imonoyama Nokoru… no… I am just Nokoru. If, for only a second, I could be just Nokoru to them just as they are Akira and Suoh to me…. I turn around in my chair, looking out of the window of the Chairman’s office, absently playing with my fan (strictly an Imonoyama family trait) trying not to think of them, trying not to want for more. ~FIN~ ~*~*~* Author’s notes: My favorite CCD character is actually Akira and not Nokoru… so why did I write and release this first? Well, one of the reasons is that Nokoru, to me, is an extremely complex character, almost complex as I perceive Akira to be. He has it all - brains, power, money, but he lacks something very important in his life - a lover. I have always wondered what Nokoru would think of his life if he did not have Suoh or Akira there for him, since they are his only real friends. Furthermore, he has chosen to live his life this way, to have only them as his friends. When he was younger, he did not want friends because he did not want them to be hurt because of him. I know that the "couple" of CCD is actually Nokoru and Suoh, but after reading Kristin Huntsman’s "Akira’s Birthday" led me to really think on what Nokoru’s feelings for Akira would be. With only two friends that he has ever allowed to be close to him, I would agree that Nokoru would also develop feelings of love for Akira. I have always thought that Nokoru would consider both Suoh and Akira on equal footing. Neither of them is his only right hand man; in the pictures that I have seen of the three of them together, Akira and Suoh always switch places on either side of Nokoru. Like in X 8, when they first appear, it’s Suoh on his right. In X 10, it’s Akira on his right. Maybe I am just reading too much into it (I probably am ^^;;;) but that suggests to me that they are equals. Well, hope you enjoyed it! ^-^; C & C greatly appreciated. Hehehe, I actually wrote this back 11.99 but just stumbled on it tonite and thought, aw heck, I'll put it out there to see what people think ^^; Bug me enough and I might even finish another one! *gasp* which would be Akira’s, BTW… I can’t seem to get into Suoh’s head. *sigh*</pre><p><a href="./">Back</a></p><p><a href=http://www.dreamhost.com/donate.cgi?id=216><img border=0 alt="Donate towards our web hosting bill!" src=https://secure.newdream.net/donate1.gif></a></p></body></html>