http://clampfix.fanworks.net/kenichi/x-begin.txt </head><body><pre>I'm sorry about this. I really am. ^^;;; ...A little. <EG> =================================== The Beginning =================================== I no longer cared whether I really was dead or not. All I knew now was that SHE was dead. Everything else fell apart from there. My face was wet, and some little voice in the back of my mind told me that the dead couldn't possibly cry, but I couldn't care less. Hikaru was gone. I felt a huge pit opening inside me and eating away at my soul. Dead. And I couldn't do a thing about it. Not only that, but it was POINTLESS. Avoidable. She didn't die fighting for a life or a cause, she didn't lose it even in a vain sacrifice. Some fool off the street decided to kill her just because she was there. Without warning, without rhyme nor reason... And worst of all... I could have been there, I could have been there to stop it. But I wasn't. I chose to go away. I CHOSE to not be there for her. And that was what hurt. And if this was hell, it truly was a place of pain. "So... this is where it all ends...?" "No." The eyes were emotionless in their perception. "This is just the beginning." =================================== I curled into myself, a hedgehog trying to protect itself from the world... But I failed. There is no more world. There is no more hope. There is no more... me. "...Why me...?" The winged figure with Yuzuriha's face looked at me and replied with but one word to answer my thoughts. "...because..." Her hand felt gentle as they slowly covered my eyes... And darkness, the darkness I fear... ...Fear and am comforted in... ...I remember... ...I always chose the darkness... =================================== "You think you're doing this for others' sake, right?" Who... Arisugawa? The slant-lipped happy-go-lucky priest stood before me, melting out of the shadows like a fire in the dark. Arisugawa Sorata...? <foolidiotjerkfalsepriestloudmouthshutup> What was... "Neh, Kaeda? You believe you sacrifice yourself for others? Like Kamui, who wants only to save his friends..." I should have been happy to see someone else here. But I wasn't. My heart screamed. "Of course not!!! I don't care about things like that!" A flitting light, I saw... Aoki... Aoki Seiichirou... <Cleanmanfamilymanadultererunfittobeafather> What...? "Did you sacrifice yourself for a cause?" Another... Another dragon... but of earth... Kiigai Yuuto <bastardplayboyliaryoureallhotairandyouknowit> I... "For your family?" I spun in horror. Slowly, slowly... But surely... They. They all came. The dragons... Both of Heaven and Earth... ...and they were asking questions... Yatouji Satsuki... <evilevilevilcyberwitchwomanseatedonthebeast> "For knowledge?" No. Kishu Arashi... <noheartnolovenocareihateherihateherihateher> "For belief?" No! Kasumi Karen... <dirtywomansinnerblasphemerliarcanttrusther> "For love?" I said no! Nataku... <heartlesssoullesspieceofgarbagecorpsezombie> "For justice?" NO! Kakyou... <dyingoldcatdreamerwhydontyoujustdiealready> "For dreams?" Stop that! Kusanagi Shiyu <brutetraitorhurtyuzuhurtherkillhimkillhim> "For honor?" Stop it! Subaru! <friendbrothertragicnodontleavemeoniichan> "For truth?" STOP IT! Yuzu...? <replacementloverlittlegirlfoolfoolhahahaha> Yuzu, please stop!!! "For a lie?" STOP IT ALREADY!!! Sakurazuka Seishirou <murderermurdererkillkillkillkillhatehatehate> "For hate...?" <hateyouhateyoukillyoukillyoudiediediediedie> I had my fill when I saw Seishirou's smile emerge from the crowd. That smile. That sickeningly innocent evil smile. <ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou> "Hate?" <yesyesyeskillyouhateyoudiediedie> I hate him. I HATE HIM!!! "...You do this all for hatred..." "---YES, DAMN YOU ALL!!!" Mindlessly, I struck out at the figure, and every... ...thing... ...shattered... =================================== "If only... If only you met me before!!!" I heard Yuzuriha's voice... I don't know if this was one of those false moments or... "WHY DIDN'T YOU?!?!?" Kamui? "I wish I never met you. I WISH I NEVER MET YOU!!!" I spun around, and they... THEY were there. All of them. Speaking. Bits and pieces. I'm going mad. I recalled it all. The deaths and dismemberments, one by one. My decision to join the Dragons, the reason being only to duel with Seishirou. My constant arguments with Kamui and Sorata that Subaru had found somewhat amusing. My heart palpitating in Yuzu's presence, and my subsequent denial of my feelings as wishful thinking. The death of Kotori and the awakening of Kamui as Fuuma. Subaru's insistence that I be the one to train Kamui to fight. And others. All went by twisted, not coherent in scope. Each seal breaking, one bu one. One loss, one win. Slowly, each dragon was whittled down in a murderous cycle of revenge. It hurt to see Yuzu lose the first bout. She did not wish to harm Kusanagi, who in the end killed himself, unable to hurt Yuzu. I cried at this. Yuzu was frozen in shock and said no more since then. Her eyes just went... blank, as if there was nothing there; as if struck dumb after the fact as Kusanagi died in her arms. Then there was my clear lack of empathy when I saw Karen die protecting another seal. And the anger in Aoki's eyes at this. Aoki killed Nataku, who had slain Karen, but in vain. Fuuma then took his life in return, with open glee. It was ironic that Kakyou the dreamer died in his sleep. He probably didn't have enough strength left to keep going and decided to collect his fee early in the game. Worse still was the morbid sense of humor in the manner that Satsuki died. Millenium bug indeed. I doubt she was laughing at it as her 'Beast' miscalculated a few dates, failed to recognize her identity, and proceeded to strangle her to death. Sorata's death was the most predictable... Though not quite the way he thought it would be. It was pathetic, really, and a showing of how unpredictable love can be. It wasn't for that witch Arashi, of course. He just bumped into a girl one day and fell head over heels in love with her... REALLY in love with her, I might add, not the light humored way he did around Arashi. That was about ten minutes before the Kamui-Fuuma arrived to attack once more. He died protecting her all right. Pushed her out of the way of a steamrolling bus. A really stupid way to die at the end of the world. Arashi died the way she lived: Cold. In Kiigai Yuuto's arms, even. Protecting the secrets of that damned blind fortune-teller to the end. Kamui made sure Yuuto did not live to gloat. That left Subaru, Kamui and I one one side, and Sakurazukamori and Fuuma on the other. We were discussing who'd take Sakurazukamori; me or Subaru. Damn that Subaru. I was about to go and take the blasted assassin myself when he just up and decked me!!! All so that he could have first dibs on Seishirou. Kamui also went, for Fuuma. I woke a long while later, just in time. By my arrival at Tokyo Tower, an even bigger mess happened. Subaru and Sakurazukamori lay dead, Subaru obviously from a long fall, The assassin just as bad but alive... I saw Ogami Shirou twist the former Sakurazukamori's head in a quick, painless... merciful death. That one move made him the new Sakurazukamori. He asked for my apology, but I gave none. It was then that I forgot all about Seishirou and duelled Shirou. After all, It's the Sakurazukamori I wanted dead. I didn't care. Should I have? Mira died, as did my mother. Hikaru dead, then friends I just recently made... Yuzu... Subaru most off all, since he was the only one who knew what I felt like. They all died, and nothing was left. Killing Sakurazukamori was all I had left. I remember... Sakurazukamori Shirou and I were battling when we saw Kamui... Shiro Kamui... kill Fuuma... ...And proceeded to break the final seal himself. Voices called out, a mixed screaming of anger and pain. "I hate you." "Don't touch me!!!" "Everyone you love dies." "Why do you still insist on YOUR way, Kenichi?" "All you've ever done is hurt people!!!" "Don't you even stop to think about how -I- feel?!?" "Please stop!!! Shiro isn't Seishirou!!! He's not the same!!!" More insanity. Madness. Pain. And then... ...Blessed silence... =================================== Kamui... Then Fuuma... Devils speak first... "There is only Chaos and evolution. Earth must die." But that's... Then angels speak last... "There is only Order and obedience. Man must die." I screamed again. And again. and again. "Why the hell did you pick ME?!?!? WHY ME?!?!?" Kamui... "You are of man." Fuuma... "You are of earth." "To HELL with this Man-Earth shit! Leave me alone!" Both spoke as one... "You are the hero of this play. The dreamer of the dream, the player of the game, the one who does not truly belong among us... You are the center of this tale. You are the focus upon which all of us here turn upon." I was offered a drink... stale-smelling stuff, I don't know. A cup that resembled a chalice, held by both Kamui as they held it to my lips. Do dead people drink, I scoffed. But it didn't matter, as I took the fluid to my lips and tasted of bitterness. Wait, why did I drink I didn't even bother to ask if I... Woozy... I... Floor feels nice... Wonder what that thumping sound is? =================================== A gust of wind cast about... And I found myself in a small room behind... someone... He tapped silently away at an old laptop computer, pausing only occasionally to grin privately or rub his forehead. I knew that I should know who he is, but something held me back in fear. Who is he? "I'm your creator, Kenichi." Blink. Who? "...The hell are you?!?!?" He turned to me and all I could make out was the evil smile he had on his lips. A twisted smile, not unlike the Sakurazukamori's... Hey... Why is the laptop still processing? WHY ARE MY THOUGHTS BEING PRINTED ONSCREEN?!?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!! YOU!!! ALL OF YOU READING THIS RIGHT NOW!!! STOP READING MY THOUGHTS!!! "They can't. Unless the stop reading themselves, at least." The writer replied. "I write, they read, that's the deal. You, you have no say in the matter." I looked out, saw the eyes looking at everything they read from my mind. Damn you all! Stop reading this! "---The hell I don't!!!" "Hell, yes you don't. You see, Kenichi, you're not a living being. You don't EXIST." I gasped against my will. "...At least not outside of this written word, which I control. Your world and everything that happened in it, dosen't exist. I thought it up, it exists nowhere else except in my mind and in the minds of those reading this story right now. You, my angst-ridden hothead, are just a figment of my imagination." "That's... That dosen't even BEGIN to make sense!!!" The writer grinned, crossing his arms akimbo. "Not to you, since you're just a character. You can't easily comprehend what I'm saying, but those reading this right now will. "When the characters of this story... What I and a few friends know as X... were told that 'Destiny was Foreordained', they had no idea of the scope of this all. It was foreordained, all right. It's because no matter what their desires want them to do, once their own destinies are written... not necessarily in stone, mind you... It's over. They're done and stuck in the story the way it was written." I hissed. "By YOU?!?!?" A scoffing gesture. "Don't give me too much credit. I created you and wrote most of the stories you were in, but I didn't foreordain this. Kamui's creators did. I merely created you and impressed my own ideas on just how that destiny would be like. With you in it, of course. That's why the rest find you so special; since they were created for this story; I just added you to see what happens next." "I could knock your block off right now." "You could. But you can't. Because -I- say you can't. Because right now, as you're listening to me, the story is being writ. Because whether you want to or not, you'll listen. Actually, you'll only want what I make you want, and do what I write you to do. Think of why you accepted that drink Kamui and Kamui gave to you, without even bothering to ask why." Wait, that was strange, wasn't it? Why I didn't bother to ask, much less resist, the stuff that both Kamuis gave to me? I didn't trust either of the two any farther than I could throw a mountain. "You think you've got an independent mind and thought of your own, but you don't. You're a puppet of sorts, manipulated by me and others like me. Be thankful that I don't twist the truth of you and the others are by putting you into certain... Situations." I blinked. "Situations?" "Yaoi, Hentai, and Yuri. Particularly the first." I grimaced, and of it's own accord... something rolled down my forehead... A giant -sweatdrop-? What the... The writer guffawed loudly at this, something that made me feel like reaching for his windpipe... Which of course, I couldn't do. "I've been waiting YEARS to have an excuse to put one of those things on you, angst-boy!!! Now I get to do it!!! HAH!!!" The man has a sick and twisted sense of humor. "I can't see how you think of this as funny, 'creator'!!! You annihalated a world!!! You killed them all!" "I needed the dramatic license. Talk to my lawyers." A flat, matter-of-fact tone. "And like I said... None of you are living beings. I could pull one of you out of a hat..." He proceeded to yank something soft and golden-yellow out of a black top hat... a hat which wasn't there a moment before, any more than the stupid magician's tux he wore... Kotori was pulled, dragged by the hair, out of the hat, a pitifully vaccous stare in her eyes. I wanted to scream out, wondered why Kamui didn't. There was a grimace on the creator-writer's face. "Cute one, isn't she... Sad to say, not many women readers like her all that much, so I guess they just had to kill her. Oh well." POP. And everything was back to where it was. No magician, no hat, and definitely no Kotori. Just the writer's room and his laptop. And of course, HIM. "I do what I want and write what I want. You should be so lucky with me, Ken. I don't go out on a limb to put outlandish scenes like that into my fics." I blurted out. "No, you just go off and kill people." "You always were the dense one, Ken. On your lower level of understanding, I killed them. But to me you neither live nor exist, so how can I call that killing? Others like me... And believe me there ARE many others... Put death in their stories as a plot device, to make one character or such suffer and move the story a bit further. That dosen't make them killers since none of you are sentient." "You... said others...?" "Yup. I created you, but there are others who write tales and stories. Some of them feature your friends, some of others. There's an unlimited number of possiblities out there that I never bothered to look into; a million worlds exist without you. In some of them, Hikaru lives, in some others, she dies horribly. I don't exactly have creative control over ALL the possible realities." I remained silent, as he obviously enjoyed monologues. But the sound of Hikaru's name bit deeply into me. Even more when I remembered that everything I was feeling and saying was paraded along to anyone who cared or dared to read the tale. "You torture people for someone else's entertainment." "Correct. Stories without conflict aren't worth reading. People read stories to see how these conflicts are resolved, if ever. And as long as people read stories... Any stories... There will be characters like you who'll just suffer. That's what I had in mind for letting Mira die in Fourth Magi, and your mother in Essence of Madness." For a second, I remembered my mother and Mira. But then, I was stumped by the titles he spouted off at a tangent. What Magi? "Fourth... Essence? Huh?" The writer snickered slightly before continuing. "Ach, I forgot. You're a character; story titles mean nothing to you. Oh well. At least be thankful I didn't draw up a planned third section for your story. All I did was have you summarize them." "Summarize? But...!!!" "To you it seems like it really happened, but in reality, you only summarized what happened to your friends, and only up there..." He pointed upward. "Where THIS story begins. Or somewhere there." My eyes narrowed. Again, his damned 'dramatic license'. "Why are you telling me this?" "I was wondering if you want a second chance." I fidgeted where I stood, suspicions aroused. "You said so yourself I'm not alive, not sentient. Why let me choose when you'll direct me where to choose anyway?" He turned back to his laptop and resumed his typing. "Oh, just for the whim of it. Delude you into thinking that you actually CAN do something on your own without me writing it. Give the character just enough rope to hang himself with, I always say." "I'll hang YOU over a pot full of roasted Puu-ing marshmallows, you whacked-out, angst-loving literary psychopath." "Nice choice of words. I couldn't have written them better." =================================== "Did you see him?" I blinked and all of a sudden, I was back in that white blank space with Fuuma at my left and Kamui at my right. The spilled chalice lay at my side, and I realized that I was not standing, but lying on some strange surface. The white still looked the same, though. As for the writer... was that real, or just some sick joke of my imagination? I'm not real. I'm just a product of someone's imagination. I'm a puppet, a clown, an entertainer people enjoy. I suffer for others to relish. Everyone else here exists for me to interact with, positively or negatively, and then to be disposed of to further some story plot I am in. I exist for my creator's whim and have no free will of my own. The idea shook me despite my denial. "Did you see him? What did he tell you?" I looked around and saw everyone else crowded around, as if I'd just come out of a coma or something... Was I hallucinating the whole thing, or...? "I..." "Kenichi... What did he tell you?" Yuzu? Why did you bend over to me? Wait, this isn't Yuzu, this is Kamui. And so is Kamui. And Fuuma. And everyone else in here. Everything's Kamui here. I bellowed out in laughter. There's no doubt of it now, I'm alive and probably trapped in some insane asylum somewhere. Why else explain the all-white walls and everybody else here? "Kamui, Kamui, Kamui. Kamui all over the place. Kamui in hell, Kamui in heaven, Kamui in everything you breathe, eat, sleep..." I wanted to add something about Kamui being in our organic waste products as well, but decided to let it slide. Kamui-Fuuma smiled that malicious smile. "That's an interesting way to consider omniescence, my friend." Kamui-Kamui... Hell, there's a joke in there somewhere... Just looked at me blankly and pressed my shoulder. "You're Kamui, too." It was my turn to give a blank stare. Yuzu-Kamui shrugged. "Kamui is in everything that we are. You. Me. Fuuma, Kamui. And Hikaru, too. We're all Kamui and yet not Kamui. Kamui is just a name you use to define a concept you can't understand; what we all are is entirely different." "All Kamui..." I thought. Does this mean I equated -Kamui- with the almighty or someone along those lines? Then it makes sense. -Kamui- is what we are because we're figments of someone's imagination, a -Kamui-'s imagination. But since we're HIS imagination, we're a part of that -Kamui-. Everything is -Kamui- because the one who thought us up is -Kamui-... And we're not real, but just -Kamui-'s thoughts floating up and around, only given limited substance in art or writing... We're not real!!! I screamed in some imagined agony. "But we're just characters in a story!!!" Kamui... the Kamui who I knew as Kamui... crossed his arms and looked down on me as he stood. "Are we? Or are the WRITERS the characters and WE the real ones living? The man who writes and claims to be your creator could very well just be your imagination, your concept of what living is about. It may be true, or not, but until then you can't be sure." He took an instant to stare at an invisible sky above. And when he looked at me again, I saw Subaru's face, the face of the one man I would have liked to call Oniichan, smiling back at me. "Have faith in your own decisions, Kenichi. Your destiny... No, all our destinies... aren't written in stone." =================================== At a blink, the world turned pitch-black. For an instant, I nearly expected Zagato to come in and make a speech, but something in the back of my mind assured me that this would not be so. The room split before me. Not half down the middle, no, but in a cross, dividing the area into four distinct and equal zones, of which I was in one. My section remained black, while the others... I gaped as I saw the colors and immediately equated the sounds I heard from them. To my right was green, and a whistling gentle breeze could be heard from it, like the soft winds of a holiday morning. To my left was blue, and the raging and pounding of waves as they crashed on the rocky shores, majestic and proud. And before me stood the red glow and warmth of similarity to a warming fire on a cold winter's day. Soft and gentle, and yet capable of fierceness when unchecked. Of mine, I noted black was silent. cold, even. And yet not cold at all; I knew there SHOULD be something within my sector. "It's the dead earth. One without wind to cool it, water to shape and nourish it, nor fire to enliven it." I snapped my head to the right and saw the image of Fuu Hououji look back at me. I had expected a smile on her face; I always knew her to smile when facing me... But this time, there a hint of seriousness in her mien. "Don't you see? The essence of Earth is not earth alone, but a blend of earth and the three elements. The reason your life feels barren is because you decided to go your own way, without us..." I had to go my own way. I didn't want to risk the few friends I had. the ones I really cared about... "But I don't belong with anybody. I can't be considered one of you; I'm just..." "You always were a pain, Kaeda." To my left, Umi, arms crossed and flashing her angriest look at me, spoke in a tone that felt as cold as ice. "We all belonged together, but you... You always had to go it on your own, alone. You never told us all your problems, you always thought that we couldn't handle them... But all this time, you were the one who wasn't strong enough..." My hands clapped my ears in rage. "SHUT UP!!! I didn't want to be alone! It's just that... Damn, EVERYONE I CARE FOR DIES, AND IT'S SOME DAMN STUPID STORYTELLER'S SICK FAULT BECAUSE HE MADE ME!!! I LEFT TO PROTECT YOU, AND WHEN I CAME BACK HE KILLED HIKARU---" There was a loud crack of skin on skin. I knew the feeling once too often; being slapped seemed to be a regular occurence with me. And most likely, Umi was the cause. Why else would... ...But the one who slapped me was not Umi. Nor was it Fuu. "Hikaru..." There were angry tears in her eyes as she looked at me. I hadn't noticed how close she had gotten; I was too preoccupied arguing with Umi. Fuu now wore concern on her face as she approached. Umi also came near, a slight look of surprise on her face. I stood staring at Hikaru the whole time. It seemed an eternity before she allowed her voice to be heard. "Gomen... Ken-Chan..." She stifled a sob before looking up at me, an unreadable expression on her face. "...But you should stop blaming yourself... or blaming others about things that happened. You have to go on and..." Her voice cracked at that moment. "...I can't say this! It's your free will!!!" The other two girls began to hold Hikaru in assurance, the way they always were, together, friends. A circle which I could not belong to, or ever hope to belong to. Free will? What free will? The writer came to my mind again. [Delude you into thinking that you actually CAN do something on your own without me writing it.] "Since when do ANY of us have any free will to do anything?!?" Umi cast me a sharp look and an icy response. "You made use of it. See what happened to you." Fuu now looked to me, a sad voice from her throat. "Regardless of what choices we make in life, we have to live with them... Even if nobody else will." Hikaru, her tear-stained face rending into my heart's memory, lookd up from between the pair. "Ken-Chan... You always chose the darkness no matter what happened in your life... why can't you try and turn to the light for once...? Don't keep hurting yourself..." Light. Yes, Hikaru's name meant light, a holy light, if one saw it that way. Could it be that why I always chose darkness? Because I was afraid of Hikaru? Of Umi? and Fuu? I always chose the darkness. And all it gave me was pain. Doubt. Self-pity. What did I gain from it? Nothing worthwhile. Just pain, agony, and a shipload of angst that never got me anywhere but deeper in this pit that I got trapped in. And whichever way you shook it, I did it to myself. Silently, I crossed over to them and covered the little group in my arms with a hug. There wasn't much else I could do. Maybe this was all a dream, or a nightmare; or maybe the writer exists and we don't. I didn't know or care anymore. I didn't want to speak; there was nothing left to talk about. I just wanted to make one different decision and turn away from the darkness for once. Look at the sun and smile for once. Now, it was too late, all of us in some limbo of sorts where none cared to ask nor look, nor read nor write. Forgotten. Too late because there was nothing left to do, nowhere else to turn. Everything was over. The area around us darkened, as if by a stage play. Maybe in the next story, I thought. Maybe the next story, if there is one, will be kinder to me. To us. To all of us, if anyone out there can read my mind. Then all went white. =================================== The writer smiled as his character made the decision. With a sigh and a mocking tip of the hat, he clicked the save routine and proceeded to close the text file. Maybe he would continue this tale of Kaeda Kenichi someday, in a different and possibly alternative light. But for now, he had work. Reluctantly, he shut the workstation off. </pre><p><a href="./">Back</a></p><p><a href=http://www.dreamhost.com/donate.cgi?id=216><img border=0 alt="Donate towards our web hosting bill!" src=https://secure.newdream.net/donate1.gif></a></p></body></html>