http://clampfix.fanworks.net/others/kibou01.txt </head><body><pre> Disclaimer: Clover isn't mine. I just love it a lot to care to make a fanfic. Kibou. (Wish.) by Miyamoto Yui Chapter 1 - There is only a yesterday and today. ~Hoshi~ (~Want~) I stared at the phone for a moment in awe. I didn't know if I was more shocked at myself or at Suu's suddenly disappearance. And I couldn't help but feel sad at the situation. Everything had gone silent and I couldn't even move my lips for they had been sealed tightly shut. Then, I finally let out a deep sigh along with a "Suu...?" I was so confused and I held onto the phone as if I were holding onto my life. Still holding onto hope as if it were something I could hold in within the constraints of my human hands. To me, you had been my hope, Suu. With you, I always felt like I was the superstar of the world when I had not even made my debut yet. I wish it wouldn't be for a long while... But that could never be, now could it? Destiny is a foreordained thing. Especially for a one-leaf clover. But to defy all the rest, there was Kazuhiko. Despite all the lies, the fears, the truths, the strength, there he had stood at the other side. In the mangled thoughts and webs that I had to cut through to keep my sanity and my own sense of being, I had learned to keep my true self somewhere deep inside. Locked up with all my dreams wanting to come out through my fingertips. To me, you had been my dream, Kazuhiko. I sing because I know you will be there on the other side of this one-way street to greet me. I have never heard something from your lips that treated less that I could have been. You treated me better than anyone I had ever known... ...even better than I could ever treat myself. Whenever I was with someone, there was always an invisible barrier that I myself put in front of me. I could not help but think of the end to everything. My own death. That's the power of a one-leaf clover. A power that I keep secret from you and the guilt grows more every day. Knowing that every time I look at you, our time becomes shorter. I wish I were a four-leaf clover. It may be lonely Suu, but I can never reach for Kazuhiko the way I want... Always feeling like he's so far away. That's why I starve for his kiss and his touch to make him real to me... To my existence. To my body. To my mind. But the further I love him, the more I reach for someone unattainable in the end. And at those times I realize this, I become silent in front of him. Maybe it wouldn't make a difference whether I was one, two, or four... in my heart, I would be the same. And my abilities would still be the same, wouldn't they? ~Reborn~ I got up from the bed and went to take a shower. As I took off my clothes, I threw them every which way without discretion. There was never any shame. I was never embarrassed. And so, I stared at my reflection in the mirror for a moment. A thin line had reached itself onto my lips as if they were painted there. How many times do I have to paste a smile on my face? How many times did I lie to get here? How many times do I have to pretend that I don't know? How many times did I break myself to get there? In disgust, I turned from the mirror and entered the bath. As I took my shower, I began to sing the first song I had ever made. So personal that I couldn't even sing to you, Kazuhiko... "The things I cannot say The things I cannot have These are the dreams unseen These are the visions unheard An oracle came today A baby was born to find when they would die And they let it live. They lied to her They should have left her to die that day. To The things I can say For The things I can have Those are the blinks given Those are the ideas imagined. Is it so hard to pretend to catch a dream than actually fulfilling one? Let me die, let me live, a perpetual seesaw within the heart. A singer will come one day, A woman was reborn to find that she may die and never be with her lover again. She lies to him Telling they'll never part in silence till this day. A dream is a broken thing A bird with clipped wings. I cannot fly..." As the water ran, I kneeled to the ground shaking. My blood was becoming cold and I wanted to bleed all my fears away with the water that pounded on my back and out of my eyes. "That's right," I said, "A dream is something I cannot ever say." Shouting from the depths of my soul, I think, "This is what I really want! I want it this way!" But in my cowardness, I hide behind the shadows of a song and smiling. If I did shout or ever say my dream, would it be cursed? It would all come to nothing, wouldn't it? Because I know when I'm dying. My dream becomes my life now. I must live my dream now. There is no tomorrow. I have no tomorrow. There is only a yesterday and today. ~Tori ni naranai.~ (~Cannot become a bird~) Because of this, I had always wanted a bird. A real bird. Not one of those artificial things for I had always felt like an actress pretending with mechanical lips and eyes. Always trying to keep my innocence within me. The purity of passion from my lips... My songs are strong in their whispered silence echoing the depths of my soul. That's the only way I was able to escape to become more than I could ever become. I didn't have to think of tomorrow, my songs are of today. They will continue until tomorrow. Songs cannot be forgotten, right? They will become the embodiement of my tomorrow like a bird that can fly so freely in the sky. My songs are my dreams unspoken... My hair became tangled around me and in my inner shame, I covered my face unable to look at my reflection in the mirror. I sobbed even louder as the shower went zaa zaa. I began to cry even harder as I felt like I was withering away while chest become even more painful as it cringed deeply. At last, I whispered the last line to a song that would never be sung outside of the walls I had built inside my heart... "Since I cannot fly, my voice will." To be continued. -- Author's note: I know that these chapters seem abrupt but that's what I learned from Clover. You try to condense things, get the most emotional feedback, and move on. I really like Oruha and I cried while type the last line. Since I couldn't describe it any better, I just ended it suddenly there instead of putting more interaction with Kazuhiko. Still, as I read this, I feel something stir within my chest. I wish I could describe it more than 'cringe' with even more pain. I like this fic so far. I always 'feel' something physically as if my human existence is questioned and have I really taken my freedom for granted? ===== ~list owner of IroIrona_fanfiction@yahoogroups.com~1) I always ask my friend if I can have a Seishirou, but she says that I'd have to give her a Wu Fei...*sighs* I am a prerecognitionist, but I can't perform miracles!!2) Who ever said a doll wasn't FINE?! Take one look at Wizard of Angelic Layer and tell me that he/it isn't hot!!3) ^_____________^V Final Fantasy gamer since number 1!!!</pre><p><a href="./">Back</a></p><p><a href=http://www.dreamhost.com/donate.cgi?id=216><img border=0 alt="Donate towards our web hosting bill!" src=https://secure.newdream.net/donate1.gif></a></p></body></html>