This is the second of my short trilogy "A Moment's Reflection". Again,
SPOILERS! SPOILERS HERE!
A short word here: although the fics occur in (vaguely) chronological order
(Ashura-Oh before Shashi, and Shashi before Taishaku-ten ... pretty much) they
do not HAVE to be read in order, and you don't have to read all of them to
understand one. They are a moment inside the head of each character, and
concerned ONLY with that character - so you don't HAVE to read Shashi's if you
don't like her.
Of course, I'd really like it if you WOULD ... and I'd like it even better if
you'd tell me what you thought about it ... (hint, hint ^_~.)
Raye
==
raye_j@yahoo.com
Member of the Shoujo Anime Proliferation Project Ynstitute
(SAPPY)
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
- seen on a bumper sticker
A Moment's Reflection: Shashi
I sit here, waiting. Dressed in my finest garments, my hair coiffed in an elaborate, becoming style and my face delicately painted to enhance my beauty - I am every inch a queen. Waiting to be escorted to our imperial overlord's nightly entertainment by her royal husband. Waiting to meet her soldier-lover there.
"Lover" - what an odd word, for what I feel for Taishaku-ten is not love. Attraction, yes. Lust, certainly. But not love.
I don't think I've ever felt that emotion. Not when I sought Ashura-Oh in marriage. Not now, when I seek Taishaku-ten's company. Not even for my children, securely growing beneath my heart.
What do I really feel? What do I really want?
I want power. I want to be the most beautiful, most admired, most powerful woman in all of Tenkai.
My heart is cold? Perhaps. Perhaps I simply don't have one. So be it.
Although I am his lover, Taishaku-ten doesn't love me either. Oh, he acts like he does, but I know better. And so does he. I cannot tell if he loves another, or if, like me, he doesn't have a heart to lose. I don't really care. Although I sometimes wonder why we are lovers, if we have no real affection for one another. Lust, I suppose, has as little reason as love.
Ashura-Oh does not care either. Although I have been reasonably discreet, I am sure he knows of my affair. Yet, not a word has he spoken to me about it - I could almost believe he is pushing me into Taishaku-ten's arms. Perhaps he has found a lover of his own.
There are rumours, that Taishaku-ten is preparing to rebel against the Tentai. I do not know the truth of them. I will not ask. There have as yet been no lies between Taishaku-ten and myself; I will not force him to utter the first. Whatever else I am, I have that much honour left to me.
Honour - such a strange word for so many different things! It is the keeping of vows and the following of hearts. It is the admiration of others and the measure of one's own moral code. I think that I may have done everything in my life for it, yet I don't know that it is, or ever will be mine. Nor, really, do I care. I want power. Nothing else matters.
Perhaps, if it is so, if Taishaku-ten really is planning a revolt, then my relationship with him - and his son, lying beside Ashura-Oh's daughter within my womb - will yield me the prize I so desire. Perhaps I may cease to be the wife of a mere Clan-King and instead become the Empress of all Tenkai. Perhaps - so much depends on perhaps.
My sister would be so shocked if I told her this. She was when I told her precisely why I sought to wed Ashura-Oh. I think she honestly thought I cared before that day.
My maid is at the door. "Majesty, your lord husband awaits you."
"I come. Tell him I shall be there directly." I say.
After all, there is no harm in manners. Ashura-Oh and I have no quarrel, really. And if I play this game aright - if I keep within the boundaries of the rules of the Court -
Then it doesn't matter what happens.
It doesn't matter whether Taishaku-ten is a rebel, or if Ashura-Oh triumphs over him.
There will be no way that I will lose.
RG Veda is the property of CLAMP and Wings Comics. No profit is being made from this, and no copyright infringement is intended. Please don't sue me, I have no money.