http://clampfix.fanworks.net/rgv-fix/rgparody.txt </head><body><pre>RG Veda Parody *********************************************************************** Kind of a spoiler but who cares! I wrote this a long time ago and well...just thought I put it up. *********************************************************************** *What can I say about this story here...well I'm bored out my mind and is having a headache the size of Tai's closet space in Zenmi-zou.* This is what my oxygen deprived brain has come up with. So deal with it. !! What you want a title too?!!!! Kujaku: Kujaku here! Hey I'm over here! Hey over here! (Kujaku tries to get the camera man's attention. Ignoring Kujaku the camera man continue to film the amusing green fungus growing on the neatly displayed tiles of Zenmi-zou) Kujaku: If you don't make me the main focus of this show in the next few microseconds, I will twist your pathetic excuse for a life in the wheel of fate so bad that even your shit will have trouble being flushed down the toilet. You get me? (Breathing extremely hare with a face color that could be represented to Crayola for a new color called "pissed as hell") (The camera shakes quickly as the camera man tries to focus on Kujaku's face") Kujaku: Now, welcome everyone. I'm your most faaaaavorite host Kujaku here! Thank you, thank you, thank you. We're about to go into the world of RG Veda in the next few minutes, today being the last and final show off of RG Veda, I took the liberty of sneaking into the dressing rooms of everyone's favorite character from RG Veda. Next to me of course! Are we ready? Of course we are! Now come with me and I'll show you one by one what it is like behind the screens. (Kujaku turned right and reached a door! Wow! Now unlike all other doors this one was in the shape of a dragon. None the less Kujaku went in!) Kujaku: Ah who have we here? It's the famous Ryuu-oh! (A boy with brown hair who is wearing a brown robe turns around with a sword that's the same size he is) Ryuu: Wh..What! Kujaku what are you doing here and who is that holding the camera! Kujaku: You're live on the air so... Don't humiliate yourself ok? So how are you feeling before the big show! Ryuu: Right now? (Kujaku and the camera nods) Ryuu: what am I feeling! Well that's a tough one! Let's see, I think it's anger, with a tint of pissed, oh yes and a side of murderous IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF MY ROOM! (Ryuu picks up his sword) Ryuu: I'm already in a bad mood. They're don't think that I'm not much of a use to this story now so they're going to kill me off. And do you know who's going to do it? Eh? Eh? Ashrua! Of all the people in the world. Ashura and I are like this (makes a crossed finger sign) I didn't think him of all people would accept this job. The producers probably presented him with a banquet of food and Ashura accepted without questioning. Why didn't Yasha-oh teach him any pride then again knowing Yasha and his own ego problem. And speaking of Yasha... (Turns around and notices that Kujaku is no where in sight and neither is his camera man) Kujaku: (whispering) We now see that Ryuu is quite busy so let's go onto our next star of the RG Veda cast... Ryuu: KUJAKU! Ah there you are I'm not finished! (Kujaku looks at the camera making a ' help me' face and runs off as fast as his legs could carry him.) Ryuu: Come back! Hasha-Haluka! (The water dragons follow after Kujaku. Kujaku escaped four of the water dragons but was hit by the fifth one. Now completely drenched) Kujaku: There's you go people Splut.. one of the Six Stars...Cough, Hack... good riddance to Ryuu-oh... Cough, Now I introduce you to... (Kujaku feels a slimy object climbing up on his leg. He looks down and sees a turtle like object with eyes that stuck out like...like...) Kujaku: Forget what it looks like! It's slobbering on my new pants! Get it off Get it off. (Kujaku's flapping his arms around as he tries to shake the...the...thing off his leg) Zou: Naughty pet, Come back here this instant. (Hearing the voice The thing crawled off of Kujaku and returned to its owner) Kujaku: Zouchou-ten! Here ladies and Gentlemen one of the four Bushinshou of Zenmi-zou! The...north...south...east... oh whatever! I'm sure there's a question everyone's dying of asking you, heck I'm dying to ask you. What the hell is that thing! (Kujaku pointed at the creature as it drooled, bubbled and slobbered everywhere.) Zou: Oh this, it's my wife's adoring pet. She loves it to death. But unfourtunely she's getting her hair done today, you know how it is with it being on the floor and she having blond hair and all. Anyway she wanted someone to watch over him, I just couldn't say no to those darling blue eyes! Kujaku: Pet...really...that...is very...um nice. Wait a minute what happened to your hand? Zou: Oh this? (Zou raises his missing hand) Well I was a little late feeding so he mistook my hand of being his lunch so well... I mean no harm done here. Besides today in the filming, Tai's going to chop off my hand anyway so I guess this just saves him some effort... Kou: ZOUCHOU-TEN! (Runs out) oh hi Kujaku! Zou Look what your pet did to my precious armor. (Kou raises a wet, still dripping armor with lots of teeth mark) Zou: Oh lighten up Koumoku-ten, the little pet is just playing with you. Kou: Play my butt, do you know how much it would cost me to smooth all these teeth marks off. You're paying for this you know! And you know too well that stainless steel have not even been invented yet. Ah! I can hear my armor rusting already! Zou: Oh you're one of the Bushinshou, I know how much you get paid so stop being so cheap already. Kou: Cheap?! You don't have a daughter that over charges her card every hour and a wife who wants constant facial make overs. Do you know how much plastic surgery cost these days. It's highway robbery I tell ya. (The two continues to argue as Kujaku watch) Kujaku: Well there you have it. Two of Tenkai's best. Sad isn't it. There's suppose to be two more Bushinshous, Bishamon-ten and another that other one who's never here. NO, I'm not going to tell you who that person is! Bishamon-ten gets his own room because, well he's Tai's favorite servant. I call it butt kissing. (Kujaku looks into the camera) Kujkau: Don't film that! My head would be chopped off if Bish heard it! Remind me to tell you to erase that part! (Camera man gives a ok sign) Kujaku: Continuing on we have. Well well well what do we have here. (Kujaku sees a short green haired girl running throught the halls wearing a short leather tunic) Sohma: Oh Kujaku! Kujaku: Sohma what's the hurry! Shoma: Come with me, I probely could use your help! (Sohma grabbed Kujaku's microphone which was tied around Kujaku's neck and connected with the camera who the camera man was holding onto.) Sohma: Kendappao! I brought some help! Ken: Fine, fine just get out of this mess! (Kujaku took a good breath as he untangled the wire from his neck. Breathing was such a nice habbit to have. He soon realized what Sohma was fussing about. Kendappao is wearing a black armor but her extremely long hair seemed to have gotten stuck on her helmet and tangled into her sword. So in attempt to untangle this mess she raised both her hands over her head to grab onto the helmet but in doing so the cufflings on her gloves has gotten stuck on her necklace. Screaming and squirming around Sohma is trying to calm her down and doing her best to untangle the mess but the earrings that she has given to Kendappao is tangled also.) Sohma: Why did I ever give you earrrings, why didn't I just give you something simple like a flower or some makeup but no it just had to be the earrings. I can't get you loose it's just getting worse! Kujaku come and help! Kujaku: I'm suppose to be doing a interview now but...what the heck! (Kujaku placed his microphone on his belt and went in to help the two girls. The mess was easily taken care of. The tangled mess was untangled in a matter of second!) Ken: oh Kujaku thank you so much! Kujaku: Think nothing of it. Dealing with the wheel of fate and that thin piece of thread as long as I have, your hair was a breeze. Oh look at the time I've got to get back to my work. Well it's been nice. Bye! ( the two girls waved good-bye to Kujaku as he hopped out of the room) Camera man: Kujaku? Kujaku: Eh? Camera man: Why didn't you do an interview on those two. After all they're pretty important! Kujaku: I can't. If I stayed in that room even a second later I wouldn't be able to get out. (Kujaku saw the confused face on the camera man and smiled. He took his left hand out from behind his back. The camera man fell, dropping the camera. In Kujaku's hands were a pair of scissors and a whole lot of hair, which appeared to be from both Kendappao and Sohma.) Kujaku: Oh they shouldn't miss this little lock of hair. They have more. I do this all the time on the wheel of fate and no one ever cares about it, heck no one even knows. Except the ones who's lives I cut short but all in all no big loss! Right? Ok we're back on our trail of characters now. Let's see who's next. (Kujaku's looking at a piece of paper which looked like the map to Zenmi-zou. Not noticing what was in front of him Kujaku smacked his face flat on a hard surface.) Kuajku: Who put this here! (Kujaku looked up and sees a tree root like place. There was no handle. Mental picture Kujaku with one foot on the tree, both hands on a branch, face red as he tries to pull. Failing, he started to bang on the tree) Kujaku: Yo Ashura! Open up! I know you're in there! YO A-S-H-U-R-A!!!!! (A door next to Kujaku opens up as a 'gorgeous' blacked hair man walk out.) Yasha: Will you shut up out here. I'm trying to take nap. Kujaku: Yasha! I'm glad you're here can you use your Yamato and chop this tree open? Yasha: Why would I do that? Kujaku: I'm trying to have an interview here and I can't do that with this stupid Kekkai tree here blocking my way to fame and fortune. Now hurry up and start chopping. Yasha: If you hadn't noticed Ashura's in there and if I chop down the tree I would chop Ashura along with it! Kujaku: Yeah... Yasha there must be something. Remember you still owe me. I was the one who told you where Shurato was, I was the one who saved you from that Ice Castle, oh and speaking of that you still haven't danced for me, lastly but not least who could forget this, I was the one who killed myself so you and Ashura would live and be nicely happy. Yasha: I follow you on the first two but that last one... Kujaku: I read ahead on the script. Yasha: Oh. (Yasha placed Yamato near the tree and easily the tree opened. A slim figure came to view. It had long ebony hair down to its ankles and golden eyes that sparkled like the sun.) Ashura: Yasha! (The person hopped into Yasha's arms with grace.) Ashura: Kujaku you're here too and who is this? (Looking at the camera) Kujaku: That's my rented camera, and my rented cameraman! How are you today Ashura. You look taller! I see that Yasha had fed you well! Ashura: Well I no longer have to be a kid from now on, isn't that nice? Black Ashura: Nice, Death Destruction, Kill, Kill, KILL! Yasha: Excuse me. ( he places Yamato onto Ashura's head and Ashura turns back to normal) Ashura: Wow what was that, my,my I've done something evil haven't I. It's because of me isn't it, that everyone died, no one loves me, and even my own mother wants to kill me, Let me die already. Yasha: Now, now, now, Ashrua I'll always want you. Remember you and I are one, I will always love you. Kujaku: Wow tender moment, just gets you right here doesn't it. Oh well, bye Ashura, I care about you too! (Leaving and talking to himself) have fun killing people especially those who is trying to put me out of a job. We'll see who gets the last laugh! (Kujaku found himself looking into a room scented with roses and other nice smelling...stuff) Shashi: Who's there! Room service? It's about time, I said dates not figs, DATES! Is that so hard to understand you worthless dogs! Kujaku: It's just me queen Shashi! How are you today. Shashi: You think I'm that stupid. Don't you think that I wouldn't know who you are? Kujaku: Who I am? According to you right now I'd say room service? Shashi: You're sent here as a spy from one of the producers trying to get rid of me. Well you can just crawl back and tell them Miko Shashi is not that easily gotten rid of. As soon as I take over Tenkai and this wretched place I'll put all those useless people in a pit of snake and see them squirm in pain and begging for my forgiveness! Ha ha ha ah ah ah ah ah ha ha h ah ah ahh ah ah ha ha... Kujaku: OOOOkkk that was certainly interesting. Shashi: Kujaku. Kujaku: Yes? Shashi: Do you know where my husband is? Kujaku: Which one? (Shashi gives him a death look and Kujaku quickly scoots himself out of the room) (walking down the hall quite exhausted he heard a constant sobbing and follows it) Kujaku: Karura. (There he sees a blue haired girl sitting on her bed with a mirror in front of her and a wet towel in her hands.) Karura: No this one isn't right either. (She wipes the wet towel on her face making it wet and continued to sob but now in a higher tone.) Karura: Karyoubinga...(sob, sob) no that's no it. Wait how about this...K...k...Karyou....bin...ga... no, no too breathy, I'll be too tired after that. Wait I think I got it. KARYOUBINGA eh...definitely no. Too loud and bad for my voice... Kujaku: Ok...Next room please! I've got to get a new job! (Kujaku's nose picked up a scent of scented oil and a strange noise. He followed both. The oil was jasmine like, pleasant and sweet. His nerves soothed as the scent entered his nostrils but his moment of relaxation by two familiar voices. It was a pant followed by a giggling conversation, then another pant, after a loud sigh and more giggling, a sigh and a scream. Kujaku's ear was pasted onto the door trying to make out the conversation but not succeeding. Getting up and stretching he decided to just open the door. The cameraman points to sign on the door. ) !!!!TAISHAKUTEN!!!! I'M VERY BUSY NOW COME BACK TOMMROW MORNING Note: Not responsible for actions if you do come in Kujaku: Oh boy, he'll have my head for this...well... I'm sure I'm not the only one curious here...the audience would love to see what's beyond that door...oh heck with this. (Kujaku carefully opened the door a crack without a sound and took a peek inside. A long haired WIDE shouldered blond is sitting on a soft pillowed bed back facing Kujaku. His shirt is on the floor. Kujaku still couldn't hear what was going on so he opened the door a little bit more and managed to stuck his entire head through the door. Ah ha there's some one else on that bed! It was a blacked haired person with golden eyes and half naked! Ashura? No, this person's hair is shoulder length, at least from this view which is on the floor. Kujaku suddenly notices a HUGE and I do mean HUGE spider crawling onto his nose.) Kujaku: EKKKK! EKKKKK! AH get it off, get it off, get it off! I hate Spiders! Ah some one help me. (The cameraman wipes the spider off of Kujaku's face) Kujaku: Uh...hi...I'll um...I'll just be going now. Ashura-oh: Taishaku who's there? (Ashura-oh crawled over and placed his head onto Taishakuten's shoulder and made a curious face. Taishakuten turned around and looked into Kujaku's face) Kujaku: Un don't mind me...I'm just...just...eh I'm in it deep. Just don't feed me to your pets. I can't stand those things. I heard lethal injection is painless. (Taishakuten is still looking at Kujaku with Ashura-oh still in his arms none of them wearing much) Ashura-oh: Are you quite done? Kujaku: Eh? Ashura-oh: If you are done, then I'm going back to my game. Are you ready Taishaku. (Ashura-oh flutters his eyelashes) Tai: You're not going to win this time. (The two returns in their game of...of...) Kujaku: Strip poker? Ashura-oh: You want to join us? It's really fun. I just started this but Taishaku hunny is winning big time, (Taishakuten looks at Ashura-oh's cards as he talks to Kujaku) Ashura-oh: I better not lose anymore, I'm only wearing.... Kujaku: THAT'S ok I think I'll pass on that offer. Heh, heh, heh... (tries to leave) Tai: Have you no respect. Ashura-oh wanted you to stay! Ashura-oh: Oh that's ok he doesn't have to. He probably doesn't know how to play. (A spark of lust glistened in Taishakuten's eyes! Kujaku gulped. Ashura-oh saw Taishakuten's eyes and pinched him hard.) Tai: Ouch. Ok ok. You can go Kujaku. Kujaku: Oh thank you...thank you...thank you!!! Tai: Now where was I. Oh yes. Ashura-oh: Ha I'm not going to lose this time. Tai: Ha Full House I Win. (A loud sigh was made by Ashura-oh just as Kujaku escaped out the door. In Kujaku's perspective it was not a sigh of disappointment but of more of a gladness. Kujaku patted his heart from escaping out of that when he did. As he started to walk back he could still hear the two in the room. Ashura-oh's giggling now more than ever.) Tai: Gee I guess we can't play this anymore, I'm the big winner. Ashura-oh: What are we going to do now. We still have an hour until the filming. Tai: I know another game all you have to do is... (Kujaku suddenly grew wings and flew out of there as fast as his wings can carry him and the cameraman followed. The film fell out of the camera leaving a trail of film but did they care? No! they just wanted out of there as quick as possible) ******************************************************************* Well there you have it. What happened before the final filming. Because the film broke no one ever knew what the other did and thus Kujaku lived or at least until the end of the film where he did indeed kill himself but that's not important. The important thing is that I lived to tell this tale! Yes me the camera man/woman who know it all, almost heard it all, and thank goodness didn't see it all! Sincerely, HP ******************************************************************* </pre><p><a href="./">Back</a></p><p><a href=http://www.dreamhost.com/donate.cgi?id=216><img border=0 alt="Donate towards our web hosting bill!" src=https://secure.newdream.net/donate1.gif></a></p></body></html>