http://clampfix.fanworks.net/smut/live11a.txt </head><body><pre>"To Live On..." Part 11a: Kamui's Desire by: Jennifer L. Mondazzi written: 09/07/97 When his own door shut behind him finally, Kamui leaned against it, suddenly weary. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" he berated himself quietly, banging his closed fist against the wood. His body still ached with need, and he reached down to touch himself through his clothes. The instant his fingers rubbed against his hardness, he moaned, and pulled away. Closing his eyes, he leaned his forehead against the cool door, fighting his body's urgings. He crossed the room to his bed and threw himself down upon it, burying his face in his pillow. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to think about his situation. "Real good move there, Kamui," he chided himself again. "Kiss her and then throw her away - what a great way to win Yuzu over." He growled in frustration. "STUPID!" Sighing deeply, he realized that it was time to face his own inner demons, before he did something he'd really regret. He didn't want to get kicked out of this house; didn't want to never see Yuzu or Nokoru again. The God-honest truth was, though, that he was afraid. He was terrified of what he would find out about himself if he did some real soul-searching, frightened by who he had become. It had always been so much easier to shove everything aside, to say he'd deal with it later. Now, however, he knew he had no future until he did stopped running from himself. He'd run out of time and excuses, and it was starting to affect his relationship with the one person in the world that he wanted to be with. That thought made him pause. Did he really mean that? Did he really want to be with Yuzuriha? Did that mean that he loved her? He wasn't sure. Yes, he cared for her, but was caring for someone the same as loving them? He growled low in his throat again. He just didn't know. He remembered loving another vaguely, reached to remember what it felt like, but sudden images of Kotori's bloodied head came to him, and he shoved it away. Love was weak, vunerable - it killed. Sex wasn't the same. Kamui understood the difference. It was easy to, really: sex was only a physical desire - no emotions attached. Putting aside affection was easy when all you craved was a release. He turned over onto his back, and suddenly became aware of his body's desires all over again. He reached down to touch himself through his clothes, and knew the truth - he needed his own release, badly. Maybe it would even make him feel a little better. He move his hand to his erection, and touched himself again, lightly. Yes, he wanted to come, so badly that it hurt when he moved his fingers away from himself. He stood up, and undressed quickly, throwing his clothes to the floor in a heap, uncaring. He jumped back onto the bed, laying across the sheets, not bothering to get under them, and touched himself again. This time, though, he didn't stop. He moved his hand over his hot flesh, feeling the sweet ache build. He licked his fingers, and brought them down to his hardness once more. When he wrapped his fingers around himself, he moaned, and began stroking up and down gently. Rapidly, however, he was driven mad with the need, taken beyond reason. One hand glided over his flesh faster and faster, while his other hand touched his hard nipples, rolling them between his fingertips. He moved frenzied, trying to keep himself quiet, biting his bottom lip so he wouldn't make noise. It was so hard not to make a sound, not to fling the door open and cross the hall to Yuzu's and climb into bed with her. He used that image to bring himself to the brink. The sweat dripped into his eyes, as he continued to move his hand over himself, his body heating up, his breathing becoming ragged. The sensation drove him onward, and he whimpered softly, wanting this to be the real thing with all his heart. He willed it so, believed it so - for this one moment, he allowed himself his fantasy. He pictured himself sucking on Yuzu's breasts, slipping his fingers into her wet, tight body, having her encompass his length within her, as he broke through the barrier of her virginity, plunging into that warm softness. He imagined her glittering, dark eyes looking up at him, and her sexy voice crying out, and calling his name as he thrust into her over and over again. Within a minute, Kamui had reached the pinnacle. The hot rush of fluid drench his hand, and stars exploded behind his eyes simultaneously. He gasped, shuddering as he came, and bit down on his lip hard, tasting blood. He whispered Yuzu's name, pretending that it had been her body that he had poured himself into, pretending that she had come too. When the surge died down, after several minutes, he felt his heartbeat eventually slow to normal, still loud in his ears. His breathing moderated, and sanity returned. He managed to crawl under the covers, exhausted physically and still naked. He snuggled against his pillow, shutting his eyes, his body begging for sleep. A few, last thoughts strayed into his mind before darkness took him away: he had determined that he would somehow apologize to Yuzu for the way he had treated her tonight. If nothing else, that would keep her from hating him long enough for him to figure some things out for himself. Then he could make a decision. Kamui sighed, and then thought no more of it. For tonight, at least, he had felt his desire and had had a strong release. Now, it was time to dream... </pre><p><a href="./">Back</a></p><p><a href=http://www.dreamhost.com/donate.cgi?id=216><img border=0 alt="Donate towards our web hosting bill!" src=https://secure.newdream.net/donate1.gif></a></p></body></html>