http://clampfix.fanworks.net/ss-fix/closer01.txt </head><body><pre>Hi ^.^ Someone mentioned to me it might be more effective to post my fics straight to the list since some people loathe links. And I'm sick and have nothing better to do... Okie-dokie ^.^ Hence, the repost (sort of) of the First chapter of Closer... or you can see it in pretty html @ http://www.asphyxia.tv/fanfic/closer Yours, Taryn ~~~ Closer : Part One by Taryn C&C more than welcome to tenshinox@yahoo.com ~~~ It was the time of day where the sun has just escaped the sky, leaving behind a dusky haze that covered the streets of Tokyo. Subaru navigated his way in this dusk, wavering like a drunken man in his weakened state. The people were nothing more than faces to him, giving him worried looks as every now and again he leaned against the sides of buildings to regain his balance, or catch his breath in dark alleyways. A part of him took notice of the change in scenery from CLAMP campus. The lush green foliage and smiling people had faded into gray buildings and gray faces. He himself became one of them. He was drawn into thoughts that were as murky as the air he breathed, images and situations of the day running their course in his mind. The Shinken was a marvelous weapon, engraved with 8th century Hebrew text. He made a note to translate it later in the Sumeragi libraries when he was next in Kyoto. He had a meeting with the 12th head in less than a month, and had to prepare. He stumbled, but regained his balance thanks to a stairway railing. There were people worse off than he was, though. Subaru had to remember that. The young man named Kamui Shirou still wore bandages over his hands and arms where glass and steel had left their marks. Kamui walked the campus with chin raised, yet eyes downcast with an air of humility he had learned less than a week ago. The 'devil may care' attitude had finally caught up with him, because now the devil did care. Blank stares had been directed towards him that day. Kamui, looking at him with hope hidden behind indifference. Subaru wasn't interested, however. He had given Kamui more almost more than he had given anyone...and didn't care to give him anything else. He hadn't told Kamui the whole story...hadn't told him about the nine years chasing the Sakurazukamori through piles of paperwork, pulling strings with government people, and countless nights of wandering around Tokyo alone, in hope of catching a whiff of Sakura on the night breeze. No more. There was no more hunt, now that the hunter had caught him. Pinned him to his bed and ravished his prey...thinking back, Subaru realized it wasn't really rape. Rape wasn't the word for it at all. Seduced was a far better word. Being with Seishirou like that had seemed so right to him, no matter the anguish he experienced at giving in. Until Subaru realized that he had wanted to lose all along. The chasing, the fighting, the blood . . .it had all led up to one thing: his death. Subaru knew his heart died a long time ago, but his body was that which carried the shattered pieces of his soul. He was tired of walking the earth. Subaru wanted to die. And he wanted Seishirou to kill him. Thus came his wish, a tedious planning that led up to Nakano; the day he had met the hunter face to face. Seishirou had let him go that day, floating off into the haze; fluttering Sakura petals on the breeze. Subaru had watched them go, ruffling his air, caressing his cheek. Reaching one pale and slender hand to catch a pink petal. Seishirou-san... Yet again, last night, he had been free to live. Even lying naked and defenseless in the Sakurazukamori's arms hadn't brought him any closer to his goal. Seishirou had left him. When he was gone, Subaru had cried tears of frustration rather than tears of shame. No, he was no closer than the day he had started chasing Seishirou. His apartment building loomed in the distance; he sped up a bit to reach it. No matter what, he needed to eat. His head was swimming with colors and light. He wavered again and almost went down. He got into the building, showing his key to the security guard and entering the elevator. Subaru pressed the button for the penthouse and leaned against the mirrored wall, closing his eyes wearily. Almost from far away, he heard the little metallic chime, causing him to open his eyes and walk out into the hall. The key shakily found its way into the lock and took its time to open the door. The apartment was dark, and it was all Subaru could do not to trip over the foyer as he took off his shoes and lined them up neatly by the door. Walking into the hallway, he was mocked by the figure sitting in the living room smoking a cigarette. "Okaeri nasai," it said, smiling. Subaru stared at Seishirou for a moment before turning back into the hallway, taking four or five steps, and falling down. He admired the carpet for a good minute or so before he heard footsteps in the hallway behind him, a slight sigh, and then arms wrapped around him. Seishirou lifted him like he weighed nothing and took him into the bedroom, laying him on the bed and resting his head on his pillows. "When was the last time you ate something," the voice said. Subaru didn't answer. Another sigh, and then he was gone, walking down the hall towards the kitchen. Subaru heard rattling around, the refrigerator opening and closing, then a short sound of disgust, footsteps down the hall again... Subaru closed his eyes. When he opened them again, the dusk had faded into night outside his bedroom window. He lay there, unable to move until something caught his attention. Sitting by the bed on the nightstand on a plate, was Chinese food. Little red chopsticks poked out from the lo mien attractively. It was hot and smelled wonderful. An icy glass of water sat next to it, condensation running down its sides onto the wooden table's surface. Subaru's stomach hurt just looking at it, so he shut his eyes again. MSG, preservatives, fat, calories, starch, and pork; everything was bad for him but he wanted it so badly his eyes watered behind closed lids. His stomach protested loudly. A soft chuckle was heard from across the room, and Subaru forced his eyes open again. "I don't think I can reach it," he said softly. "You have to," Seishirou said. "Because I'm not feeding it to you." Subaru muttered something less-than-nice and scooted over on the bed. With shaking hands, he reached out and took the plate and placed it next to him on the bed. He picked up the chopsticks and looked at them warily, considering the consequences of eating Chinese take-out once more before promptly stuffing his face. When he was done, he didn't even bother moving the plate off of the bed. He just rolled over on his back and sighed. "Feel better?" Subaru froze. He had been set up by his own weakness and only now did he really realize that Seishirou was sitting in a chair over by the window, smiling at him. He kept silent, realizing that anything he said wasn't going to be constructive, and that maybe if he ignored Seishirou, he would just go away. Minutes passed. There was no movement from the chair. "Go away," Subaru tried. "No," came the calm answer. "Why?" Now it was Seishirou's turn to be silent. "I want you to leave. I hate you more than anyone, and if I had the strength to move, I'd kill you." Still, silence. "You can't just walk into my house and order Chinese food. You can't just pick me up and put me on my bed. You don't have the right to seduce me, or touch me, or even talk to me. Go away." "I thought you didn't mind that much, Subaru-kun." Subaru twisted on the bed so he was glaring at Seishirou more openly. "Leave. Now. Or tomorrow I'll have someone escort me home." "But until tomorrow?" "Just go." Seishirou leaned forward, resting his chin on his hands. "Do you want me to?" "I hate you, despise you, loathe you." "You didn't answer my question." Because he had no other option, and he certainly didn't want to answer Seishirou's question, Subaru threw the pillow lying next to him at the man sitting in the chair. Seishirou caught it skillfully, peering around it to smile at Subaru with a glimmer of amusement in his good eye. "Leave," Subaru said again, very coldly. Seishirou neatly placed the pillow next to him on the chair, then stood up. Instead of walking to the door or window, though, he stopped at the bed and sat down next to Subaru, picking up his dishes and stacking them on the night stand. "You keep demanding this of me, Subaru-kun." His voice became softer, dangerous. "In truth, you don't have a choice. I could hurt you, rape you, kill you, and you'd be powerless to stop me." "You couldn't," Subaru muttered, even as he knew Seishirou could. "Mmn." Seishirou hummed, leaning over and brushing his fingers through Subaru's hair. "I might." I dare you, Subaru thought, but kept his mouth shut. "Why shouldn't I? You're acting like a child, Subaru-kun. Throwing tantrums like a four-year-old. What would Hokuto-chan say?" Seishirou teased, looking at Subaru. Subaru twitched, his hand coming up to grasp Seishirou's and remove it forcefully from his hair. "Please," he said, his voice soft. "I don't want you to do this to me." "Why should I care about what you want?" "Why are you here, then?" Seishirou leaned over, his fingers brushing Subaru's lips. "If I leave, you'll never find out, will you?" Subaru was silent, staring into the depths of Seishirou's milky glass eye. He really didn't have the faintest of what was going on. His silence gave Seishirou power, he knew, but at the moment he really didn't care. He continued to search Seishirou's face for meaning, but once again came up with nothing. The city moved across the wall in a colorful parade of lights. "You see me," Seishirou whispered, his hand moving from the Sumeragi's face to his lithe neck, fingers like ivy on his windpipe. "But I don't see you. "Why?" Subaru's heart fluttered in his chest. Seishirou blinked twice at him, very slowly as if waking up from a dream, then lowered his mouth to Subaru's, hand still on the Sumeragi's delicate neck. If you only knew that I hate myself because you don't see me. Because I'm just a thing to you. I want you to see me, Seishirou-san. I want to make you bleed like I do. He hesitated, then brought his hands up to pull Seishirou closer. I'm tired of chasing after you. Seishirou broke away, looking into Subaru's eyes again before sitting up, turning to leave. Subaru grabbed his wrist. "Decide," he whispered breathlessly. "Please....just decide right now." Seishirou stared blankly down at him, his breath steady and controlled. The lights from the street played on his face, making him seem almost pale and drawn. "Because you should go, but I don't want you to," Subaru whispered. "I know," Seishirou replied. After it was all over, Subaru lay in Seishirou's arms and began to cry. The tears fell down his cheeks and onto Seishirou's bare shoulders, but he didn't pull away, only tightened his hold around the Sumeragi. Actually, Subaru had been crying the whole time, but it was only now that Seishirou could hear him. They both lay in almost silence, stale cigarette smoke making the air difficult to breathe. For the second time in his life, Subaru Sumeragi woke up. The sunlight that has been so bright yesterday had faded into one of those dreary rainy days that frequent Tokyo so often. He rubbed his eyes, feeling first a very prominent headache, then aches in other parts of his body that he hadn't gotten used to yet. None of these things were very special to him, not even the fact that he was naked under the white sheets. The absolutely amazing thing was that there was a man lying next to him. Seishirou was asleep on the far side of the bed, still as he was the last Subaru had seen him. His black hair was still a bit tousled; Subaru could hear the steady breathing coming from his parted lips. His face was lax and peaceful, his head slightly to the side in a very natural way. Subaru's breath caught. He lifted himself up very carefully to look down at the man next to him. His hand hesitantly went out to touch Seishirou's collarbone, then lower on his bare chest to feel the heart beating slowly, as relaxed as the rest of him. So normal, in his sleep. Just like a little boy, almost, dreaming of soccer games and bad grades. Seishirou was there, so very tangible to Subaru. He could smell his Drakkar Noir and his aftershave on the sheets and pillows and even on his own body. He smelt like Seishirou, and Seishirou smelt like himself. In some ways, they even looked the same. It was truly amazing. Subaru let his hand wander from the Sakurazukamori's chest upward, feeling the steady pulse in his neck, the firm definition of the muscles hidden beneath the skin. He let his touch drift higher, coming to rest delicately on Seishirou's cheek. He let out a little startled cry as suddenly his wrist was in Seishirou's hand, holding so firmly it was almost painful. Seishirou's eyes opened and he looked at Subaru, an almost confused expression crossing his face, followed by the dispassionate mask Subaru was so used to by now. For a moment their eyes met, and then his hand was free. "Ow," Subaru muttered, turning over on his side and rubbing his wrist. Subaru heard movement on the other side of the bed, a whisper in his ear wishing him good morning, then the creaking of bedsprings as the older man got up and padded off to the bathroom. Subaru hid his face under the sheet, too bashful to look over it. A while later, Subaru heard the bathroom door open and a familiar weight sit down on the bed next to him. He peeked out from under the covers to see a fully dressed Seishirou looking at him. "Get some clothes on, and I'll make you breakfast, Subaru-kun," he said. Subaru watched him leave, then gave a deep sigh. He sat up and rubbed his head with the heel of his hand, wondering exactly what he looked like. Wrapping the disheveled sheet around his slender waist, he stalked out of the bedroom and into the hallway. On his way to the bathroom, he poked his head into the kitchen to see what Seishirou was up to. The older man stood by the stove, reading the back of some box promising blueberry pancakes. There was his 'mortal enemy' standing in his neglected kitchenette making him breakfast...and then there was the amazing fact that Subaru actually had blueberry pancake mix in his apartment somewhere. Subaru shook his head and kept going, because it was all too weird to think about at the moment. He entered the bathroom and closed the door behind him. He undraped the sheet from around his body and stuffed it in the dirty-clothes hamper. He walked over to the shower and turned the water on full-heat. Then he took a step back to look at himself in the mirror. Seishirou had turned out to be a violent lover. Subaru turned around to examine the faint bruises Seishirou's hands had left on his slender hips, then lifted fingers to touch the deep red marks on his neck and collarbone. When the water was hot enough to billow steam out of the top of the shower and fog the mirror, Subaru slipped inside, hissing softly at the raw heat that stung his skin. He lathered his hair first, then ran a washcloth over his body, washing away the previous night's obvious sin. In his head, though, it would always be there. The feeling of willful violation that still haunted the steamy air around him. The fact that he had given himself up to Seishirou yet again, and was now totally prepared to not wake up beside him that morning. Yet he had been there, hadn't he? He had woken up with his face buried in the crook of Seishirou's arm, which made it all very real somehow. After Subaru had finished crying last night and fell into a fitful sleep, he felt Seishirou sigh, a complete and utter sigh of exhaustion and release. Then asked Subaru a question. Thinking back in the shower, Subaru couldn't really remember what the question was, or what he had answered it with. It was there, though, a seed in his brain that would sprout if he gave it enough thought, he was sure. After letting the hot water pelt his skin for a while longer, he turned off the faucet and wrapped a white fluffy towel around his waist, running a hand through his hair, and then opened the bathroom door, stepping out into the hallway. On the way back to his bedroom, Subaru poked his head in and saw that Seishirou wasn't there. The kitchen was a mess, with cake mix and pans and everything everywhere, but Seishirou wasn't. A neat little stack of blueberry pancakes graced the countertop on a blue dinner plate. Subaru kept going to check the bedroom and living room and foyer, but all traces of Seishirou were gone. He even checked the front hall for his shoes and coat, but nothing was there. The bedroom still smelt faintly of cigarettes, but not even the scent of cologne that Subaru had cherished earlier in the morning remained. He got dressed and ate the pancakes on the blue plate with a fork he dug out of a drawer somewhere. Subaru knew that now this meant little. Even though it made things infinitely more complicated, deep down he knew he would dance with Seishirou again, pushing himself closer towards his ultimate goal, no matter what he had felt waking up that morning. So he had better be strong and on his guard next time. ~ tsuzuku ===== ________________________________________ "You're a mean drunk, Subaru-kun." http://www.asphyxia.tv</pre><p><a href="./">Back</a></p><p><a href=http://www.dreamhost.com/donate.cgi?id=216><img border=0 alt="Donate towards our web hosting bill!" src=https://secure.newdream.net/donate1.gif></a></p></body></html>