http://clampfix.fanworks.net/ss-fix/leaves04.txt </head><body><pre>hello. sorry, i've been away for a while and forgot to post the new chapters here =( i also just realized that for chapter 3 i accidently put down 'chapter 2' for the subject line. i apoligize. well, here's chapter 4 and the rest will follow. if you want to read chapter 3, they are posted here. thankyou! ^_^ http://www.hiddencache.com/projecthachimitsu/tbx.shtml Leaves by the Candle Light Chapter IV By Hachi Mitsu [ You taught me how to hate. You taught me the meaning of what it's like to feel a pain so deeply engrained that I can feel nothing else anymore. Do you know what it's like to hate so irrationally? To feel so much bitterness? You probably do, although I can't tell you if this makes it any better. If it makes what you did any more forgivable. But it's ok; I still love you. ] *** His first reaction was to run... well actually that was his second reaction; his first first reaction was to just stand there like a little sparrow frozen in a moment of fright as it caught glance of the golden eyes of a hungry eagle. Well, it wasn't that much of a stretch, as the working part of Subaru's brain thought wryly. Of course that same part of his mind was wondering why he hadn't already fallen into the arms of the person he had spent the last couple of years trying to find. The reason, his slowing thawing thoughts pointed out, should be obvious. *** [ After all these years, you are still the only person who can make me cry. You hit me to make me stop crying, that day when you first told me that you didn't care, or maybe you just hit me because you wanted me to stop loving you. It didn't matter, because, did you know? It only made me cry harder, and love you more. I don't cry anymore. This emotion people called sadness, I don't feel it anymore either. I don't cry anymore, because, I think between you and me, we've killed anything that ever was human inside me. So why do I still cry now? I don't understand. That horrible pain in my chest; it doesn't make sense why my heart would hurt, even though I didn't think I had one anymore. ] *** Love made you do stupid things, Subaru reflected. He watched with bemusement as the assassin, who had walked out of his life eight years ago with the blood of his sister on his hands, pluck the cigarette from between his fingers and drew a deep breath of smoke. "Seishirou-san..." That one word, that one name held so much. That one name that held his life. The addressed man smirked coldly. Well, maybe coldly wasn't quite the right description, it was more like a distanced amusement. A hunter wondering what the blood of its prey tasted like. *** [ Sometimes I think that the day you die, I'll finally be free. Free of the years of waiting, the years of pain. After you disappeared, they use to tell me that you weren't real. It hurt me back then, even though I hadn't fully grasped the concept of death. But, when you finally returned, I was so happy, ready to show you off to the world. Oh well, if there was one thing I've learned in these 25 years of wasted time, it was that expectations were meant to be broken. But I still love you. When you die, sometimes I think that I will finally be free. When you die, I will be free of that lost bit of semblance of humanity I've kept for the mask I show the world. When you die, I will cry for you one last time, and cut the last strings that keep me in this world. Humans can't live without emotions, whether it's love, hatred, hope or greed. Some people live for those they love; the future hopes and dreams. Maybe they lived only for revenge, or just out of determination not to give up under the pressure of their opponents. I live for none of those things. I live only for you. ] *** "Why did you leave me?" Subaru backed away as some hybrid of despair and hatred began to fill the void the original shock left. Seishirou smiled again in his own personal skewed version of amusement. "Recalling the situation I left you in, I hardly thought it would have been tactful to meet you again." Subaru felt like crying. It wasn't just the horrible confusion he felt and the panicking desperation and fear rising in him, making it hard to breath; that fear that the reason he lived would leave him again. It wasn't just the cool, impersonal Seishirou spoke to him in. Either alone he could deal with, but not together. "Then why now?" The voice sounded pathetic even in his own ears. The soft question almost became lost in the distress that caused the words to catch in his throat. Yet somewhere lost in the pain was a twig of hope, that maybe... just maybe... Seishirou shrugged. "I was bored. What does it matter, Subaru-kun, I thought you just wanted to kill me, you have plenty of time for that." Slowly a single tear slid down his cheeks. *** [ When you die, I will never cry again. I will be free. But sometimes, I think that that's just another expectation waiting to be broken. It's times like those that I know that I will die before you do, that I will die at your hands; I will never be free. But you know what? It's also moments like those that I just don't give a damn. Because, it was then that I realized I wanted you to kill me. You never accepted me as a human being, even when you saw me for the first time and deemed me worthy to live, breaking that unbreakable tradition to kill all who've witnessed the Sakurazukamori kill. I never knew why you spared me, I never asked. Maybe it's because I'm afraid that you only thought that I was perfect because I was nothing; that you don't even think that much of me anymore. The moment you got tired of me, you smiled and set about to kill me a little at a time. Well guess what? You will never succeed because you taught me how to hate, and until you die, it will never die. Ironic isn't it? Maybe when you kill me, you'll find that perfection again in my cold corpse before they burn it, or before you feed it to your Tree. Sometimes I get jealous, because, you seem to care about the Tree more than you care about me. You never cared about me, never me. Only what you wanted me to be. But don't you see? The damned genius you are, don't you realize the fundamental flaw in your goddamned plan? How can I be what you want me to be when you've killed me? You've killed every incentive I have of doing anything except waiting patiently to die. I can't even hate you anymore. Damn that blessed day when my (MY!) wish finally comes true and I can die. That day when fate finally corrects the mistake it made when I was born. ] *** Seishirou seemed startled, if that was even possible. Raising his hand, he traced that one trail of tears glistening softly against the streetlight. He paused, gazing down in slight wonder. Then, leaning over, he pressed his lips against the damp skin, tasting the sweet saltiness on his lips. Soundlessly, the dead cigarette he had stolen fell to the ground. *** [ There were two periods in my life during which I wanted to live, that I didn't want to die. The first was before I met you, when I didn't have you, but I still had my dreams, my hopes, my sister. The second was that year when I found you, or rather when you found me. For that one year, I was deluded into thinking that you actually loved me. That one year, I had everything! But in the end, you took it away. It wasn't real, I know it wasn't real. I know it! But still, you had no right to take it away. You had no right. I could have been happy, we could have been happy. Why? Why did you take it away? That happiness, your one word of indifference shattered it all, crushed it until my dreams lay at my feet like broken glass. The broken glass you saw me as. And all I could do was crush it even more, pound it with hatred, hoping that the glass would cut my skin and make me bleed; the way you did. Once when I was little, a mirror cracked. I wanted to trace the jagged line with my finger, to feel that break in perfection, even though Obaasan told me not to. I remember bleeding. ] *** For the second time that night, Subaru fell silent in shock as Seishirou murmured soft reassurances against the smooth skin of his cheek, every now his lips would brush against skin, like gentle butterfly kisses. But he only cried more because somewhere in his heart he knew it wasn't real, that he meant nothing to the heartless assassin. Funny though, no matter how many times he repeated it in his mind, he couldn't move from the warm embrace Seishirou had pulled him into. He just couldn't pull himself from this intoxicating addiction. But that's OK; we all have our choice of drugs. And like all drugs, Subaru was sure that his would kill him someday. And until then, like all drugs, his would keep him sheltered safely away from reality. So what does it matter? *** [ Death is the only thing I can count on in my life now. I wish I had someone to tell me that it's OK. Someone who would hug me and tell me that whatever my Wish was, even if other would call it wrong, or selfish, even if others see it as a misfortune, it's OK. I can still remember the countless times Hokuto-chan wiped away my tears. That one last time she told me it was ok and went off to die for me. I wish someone would hold me when I die so that even after an eternity of being alone, at death, I can pretend that I've lived. In the end, all I really want is to cease to exist. What more can I possibly hope for? ] *** Subaru closed his eyes as the warm lips shifted to cover his own. Melting into the embrace, he felt his world drown and reality dissolve away. Clutching the black label of the other man's coat, he pulled him closer, wanting, trying, to loose himself in this surreal dream even as a little voice in his mind sobbed quietly: it wasn't real, it wasn't real. What does it matter? He knew that Seishirou didn't love him, so was it so horrible for him to take comfort in at least this gift from God? So what if it was just another lie? Besides, his mind decided, reality was way overrated. --- End of Chapter IV</pre><p><a href="./">Back</a></p><p><a href=http://www.dreamhost.com/donate.cgi?id=216><img border=0 alt="Donate towards our web hosting bill!" src=https://secure.newdream.net/donate1.gif></a></p></body></html>