http://clampfix.fanworks.net/tb-fix/killme05.txt </head><body><pre>Disclaimer: All TB is Clamp's. ^_^v Killing Me Softly Chapter 5 - kimi dake wa wakaranai... I stared down at him. And he looked back even more lost at what to do. Again, he had begun to cry. Again, I had melted into such a sakura petal falling to the floor so quietly. But all the while, I was trying to be indifferent... It was getting harder and harder... And so, with my thumb, I wiped his tears away. "Don't cry. Stop crying." But the comfort I wanted to give had an opposite effect and so he began to cry even more. "I-I can't..." He protested between wiping his face over and over. He wouldn't even let our eyes meet. "They won't stop," he wailed helplessly. Lowering my eyes, I commanded him to go lock the door. Innocent as he was, he looked at me with a look of bemusement. It took him a few seconds to let go of me and lock the door. Again, he came back to me and snuggled next to me like before. He wasn't crying anymore, but I knew the uncertain silence was holding everything back. I could be lying to you Subaru. Realize it. Change your fate. Now. Do it. Get away. But as I thought this, I couldn't do anything. My instinct, my person, my arms interjected. And so I didn't do anything but say, "Why are you silent?" I couldn't even look at him. All I could do was look out the window to avoid his helpless gaze. The incessant crying commenced itself once more. And I knew, I had lost... As I took off my glasses, I carefully put them on the stand next to my bed. Clasping my hands on his, I put all my attention on him. You're making me do this to you... I...maybe...wanted you to... But it's your fault. It'll always be your fault for provoking me. Closing my eye, I kissed him as deeply as I could. And though I knew he was protesting, he slowly placed his hands complacently on my shoulders like the good little obedient boy that he had always been. You can't say no to me. Not to me, Subaru... Pushing his jacket off his shoulders, I seductively coaxed, "I know." As I began to kiss his forehead, he began to protest. But I paid no attention to it and continued to do as I pleased. Leaning closer to him, I heavily breathed into his ear, "Be careful what you wish for because I won't hold back. Not tonight." No, I won't. You'll let me consume you tonight. I don't care what you do, but I will get what I want. In my arms, he felt even warmer and the blood on his gloves was seeping through as I began to lick his gloves lightly. I then pushed off his shirt to his shoulders. Teasingly, I shoved him away and then grabbed his cheek lightly. "Boku o mitsumete yo, Subaru." He wouldn't look at me. Lifting his chin, that was the only way he would look at me. Not that he noticed me leading him anymore. I was just as enamored by the moment as he. Placing his hand on my empty left one, he looked at me so sorrowfully and began to become tearful. Shaking my head, I tried to tell him it wasn't his fault. It was my own. But my pride wouldn't let me think so. And so I continued to stare into his eyes. I took both of his hands over mine and let him help me undue the buttons of my shirt. Finally...he gave in. He started to kiss me back... This meeting shouldn't have been... Your body, Your voice... It's all mine. I don't want to share you with anyone. Not even Hokuto. For this moment, I will not give into anyone and anything. And though I look at you in front of me, you stare up at me with this look of such innocence. And I feared the day that you would lose that look that was only from me. Maybe I was a bit impetuous in my thinking, but I had always wanted to keep that look for myself. That certain eye movements or that smile that would reveal a loneliness that I had known would remain the tangible means of my guilt. Yes, I know, I am selfish person. Was this what humans called 'love'? I wanted to convince myself that Subaru was more than a thing. Somehow, he had surpassed all the things and people I had thought so little of. For if I touched him, I feared I would break him. As I continued to consume him at my pleasure, I couldn't help but think that by this gradual corrupting, I would be able to have him. But I knew that fate would have it otherwise. And I was waiting so painfully for that moment. That moment that he would hate me so much that he'd leave me. But like someone helplessly sucked into a vacuum that they can't seem to get out of. I let myself get raveled by this young boy's charm. I... What I wanted... What the hell... And each time these kinds of thoughts found themselves inside of my head, I would kiss Subaru harder... I can't feel you. Even if you're right next to me... Why is it that the more I hold you, the more I can't get enough of you? This closeness isn't enough. It's not enough... I want more... And so Subaru laid below me with closed eyes while still holding onto me tightly. Though I had touched every corner of his body, though I had kissed his face and neck a million times... I felt unsatisfied. I wanted the guilt to go away... I wanted to keep Subaru for a moment... Just one moment... Shaking my head, I looked down at him as he looked up at me. I don't want you to lose that look. Laying myself beside him on the bed, I slid my fingers into the roots of his hair as I put my arm on his waist. He wouldn't be able to go. Not yet. I won't let this end. Everything is under my control... "Seishirou?" "Yes?" I had answered. "What is it?" A chilling wind blew for a second as he asked, "Why...why do I get the feeling you will leave me someday?" It was dead silent. I don't know how to answer that... I don't want to answer that... Silently crying inside, I remembered my mother's words, "I'm not the one you love best." All I could say was, "For tonight. Just for tonight, let's just forget the world." Holding him closer and laying my cheek onto his own, I whispered, "For tonight, let's abandon our fate." With a light nod, he replied, "Okay..." But I knew this wouldn't satisfy me or himself. And so he began to sob a little. Pressing his hands a little, the blood persisted slowly in bleeding and permeating itself onto the pillow. At last he said, "Yes, for one night, let us enjoy this time together. For I fear our time is short from now on..." But I was awake. And I held him closer to me. For the first time in my life since my mother had left me and I had met Subaru, I had felt alone. And in that cold hospital room, I held him warmly next to me. In a slight whisper, I began to sing, "I don't know what you did, but you made a mark on me. I don't understand what effect you have over me. All my life I thought I was in control until you blew everything away like sand in your hands, time is running out. Don't forget about me. Don't forget who we are. For this day on, I will be different and you won't be able to recognize me. But I'm still the same, but you won't be here anymore. You won't understand tomorrow. Only in this will you find refuge. You'll be gone. And it's because I forced you To go away from me." Everytime I think that I've overcome you... I took up his chin and began to kiss his the nape of his neck as he laid asleep. Looking down at him, my eyes became slits. Everytime I think that way, you're the one making me fall even further. I've fallen off the cliff. I'm beyond redemption. Clenching my hands, I looked down at his sleeping, unknowing face like a prey that had no idea he was sleeping with his enemy, I hugged him close to me. Stupid Subaru... I would never beg or cry for anyone or anything. And yet you had this 'power' over me. To make someone as great as myself...with such power... I've succumbed to such...weakness... You've made me fall to my knees... Like a servant hopeless in his plight, you hold my chin with that innocent smile... looking down at me with all that sincerity... I have been telling you to run away, but I can't seem to let you go either... As you sleep soundly, I'll whisper, "Please...don't lose that look..." And I just stared at him. But the dawn was coming and I had to stop staring. I had to pretend again. He left me. I fell asleep mumbling to myself, "I have to pretend again." ...even... ...even if I... ...don't want to anymore... Floating into unconsciousness, I mumbled, "Sumeragi..." "your time has just run out..." -- Author's note: I didn't know how to do this chapter at first, but I'm glad I got to pull off whatever I was thinking of. ^_^v</pre><p><a href="./">Back</a></p><p><a href=http://www.dreamhost.com/donate.cgi?id=216><img border=0 alt="Donate towards our web hosting bill!" src=https://secure.newdream.net/donate1.gif></a></p></body></html>