http://clampfix.fanworks.net/x-fix/ghosts.txt </head><body><pre>Disclaimers: All the characters here belong to the wonderful and talented CLAMP. Category/Summary: Angst / We all know Subaru deals with dead people, so what's one more? ^_^ Spoilers: Last few Asuka issues Ghosts (1/1) by Lika "I wished you didn't save me." The remark didn't surprise Kamui. "I wanted to be with him." "I'm sorry." It was softly spoken. Cold sunlight fell through the closed window onto the bed where Subaru was lying. He turned his face away. Kamui looked at the ceiling. They didn't say anything. - - - - - - - - - - - - He heard Seishirou that night, saying his name over and over again. It was the faintest whisper. "Subaru-kun." There was a touch of the playfulness Subaru knew so well. He laid awake all the night and listened to it. Even in death, he was still with him. - - - - -- - - - -- - "You look like you didn't sleep much last night." Kamui looked worried. "I'm all right." Subaru slowly made his bed. "Subaru, about what happened in Rainbow Bridge, I only saved you because I care about you." The features in Subaru's face grew hard. "I know you did." "I'm really sorry, Subaru. I shouldn't have come between you and your wish." "Don't worry about it." The reply only made Kamui look more worried. Subaru snapped the sheets before straightening them out on the bed. "I mean it, Kamui. Don't worry about it." He continued to make his bed in silence. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "Subaru-kun." Seishirou called again that night as well. There was the smell of cigarettes and Seishirou's cologne. There was also the smell of salt water and the sound of waves crashing against his bed. Subaru closed his eyes and said in his heart: I know. I want to be with you too. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Kamui saw Subaru in the kitchen after breakfast. "Subaru-" Subaru looked at him warily. "I'm all right, Kamui. But Kamui saw the lie. He opened his mouth to object but Subaru cast him another look. Kamui's eyes widen and he swallowed. He turned his head abruptly away and went back washing the dishes without another word. - - - - - - - - - - - - - "Subaru-san." It was Arashi. She looked concerned. Weren't they all? Every concerned about him. His lip twitched in slight annoyance, but she didn't notice it. "What is it?" As if he didn't know it was going to be about Rainbow Bridge. "Do you hate Kamui?" Subaru blinked. Twice. He didn't say anything. Arashi continued. "He thinks you do. You're avoiding him. You won't to talk about what happened. He's said something about the way you look at him, it's like you hate him for saving you." Subaru still didn't say anything. He merely looked at Arashi, his one seeing eye as blank as his unseeing one. Sadness showed on Arashi's delicate face. She looked up at him, directly into his eyes. When she spoke, there was quiet pain in her voice. "I helped Kamui save you. He didn't do it by himself." An odd light gleamed in Subaru's one good eye. "If you're going to hate Kamui, you're going to have to hate me too." There was silence for a few seconds. Arashi didn't take her eyes off his face. Finally, Subaru sighed and said, "if it makes you feel better, Arashi, then I will." Arashi swallowed. Her eyes harden. "All right then," she said quietly. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - He heard Seishirou's voice again that night of course. He even saw his face looking up at him, the blood splattered along his shirt and his neck. There was the smile that Subaru remembered, the smile that was so beautiful and full of kindness and love that for a moment, Subaru forgot he was holding a dying body in his arms. He watched that smile distort as Seishirou struggled to speak. Of course he knew the words now. They didn't surprised him like they did the first time. "I love you." And Seishirou's ghost leaned over to kiss him and then disappear. Subaru watched him go, his hand still outstretched. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Kamui slammed the door behind him. "If you want to kill yourself, then go right ahead. I won't stop you." Subaru raised an eyebrow. They were alone in his room, him sitting on the bed and Kamui standing by the door. They glared at each other. "Are you sure you won't try?" There was bitterness in Kamui's voice. "If dying is your true wish, then I'll stay out of your way." "Thank you." "Your sister would have been heartbroken." Subaru snapped his head in Kamui's direction. "My sister wanted Seishirou-san and I together." There was a mirthless chuckle. "Did she mean it in death?" "It doesn't matter how she wanted it. It's my life." "But she died so you-" "And that's precisely the reason I hate her." Kamui was stunned. "I hate her for dying for me. Did she really think she was doing me a favor when she killed herself? My God! That was the most selfish thing she ever did and I hate her for it." His voice was soft but his eyes were flashing with anger and pain. "I didn't get a say in what was going to happen. It was about me, it affected my life, and she didn't give me a chance to say anything about it. It was her decision but it might as well have been mine because I had to live with the consequences. She didn't! And I had to live with them alone." He caught his breath. "Do you know how much it hurts when people die for you?" Violet eyes shimmered with sadness. "I do." Subaru looked at him for a long time, his hard face softening. "You're stronger than I am, Kamui." "No." "You are. I saw it when I was in your mind after Kotori died. You chose to come back. Even if I had the chance, I wouldn't have, which was why Nee-san died. You're much stronger than I am. You don't resent the people who died for you." There was an odd look on Kamui's face. "I'm no different. I tried to save you. It was selfish of me, but I didn't want you to die, even though you wanted to." "I know. You're still able to feel something." "I thought you were too." Subaru watched the dust particle in the sunlight dance. "Whatever feelings I had died with Seishirou-san." Kamui hated that name. "And now you will join him." "I loved him." That hurt more than it should have. "At least one good thing will come out of my sister's death. Are you sure you won't try to stop me?" Kamui hid his immense grief very well. "No. It's your choice. I'm giving you the say that your sister didn't give you. It's up to you." "All right." Kamui left the room. - - - - - - - - - - - That night, as he laid in bed waiting for his voice, he smelled salt water again. He felt his body grow light with buoyancy as if he was slowly sinking. The water was cold against his skin but oddly comforting, wrapping him up in silence and blackness, coaxing him to close his eyes and rest. He heard Seishirou's whisper. "Subaru-kun. Come." And he understood what he had to do. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The waters were black in the darkness. White half-moons sparkled over the tips of the ripples in a narrow line. Subaru walked to the edge of the waters. He wore his light colored coat over his t-shirt and jeans. No shoes and socks though. He left those at the cement a few yards off. He stopped on the line where the water met the land. The coat billowed around him. The wind whipped at his hair. The ghost appeared then. He wore the same black suit and coat that he wore when he died but there was no blood. There were no sunglasses and his one glass one gleamed in the moonlight. It was startling how real he looked. Subaru breathed in sharply. "I'm here, Seishirou-san." The ghost smiled at him and held out his hand. "Come, Subaru-kun." Subaru took the hand, didn't feel it of course, but he felt a tangible energy, a pull that guided him into the dark waters. The water splashed over his toes and dampened the hem of his jeans. It worked its way up his calves. His jeans grew stiff. The bottom of his coat floated and twisted along the surface of the water. His knees disappeared beneath the black membrane. There was no noise save the tiny splashes he made as he walked slowly into the water. The area was almost completely dark, except for the moonlight. It shone brightly on the water surface, although he didn't need the moonlight to see Seishirou's ghost. He saw him plainly there in the darkness, even in the black outfit. The ghost didn't look at him, but stared straight ahead. There was a strange smile on his face, the same sneaky, ironic smile he wore as he was bending his head down while dying in Subaru's arm, not realising that Subaru did see it… That Subaru had forgotten about it as soon as he saw the false smile of love and kindness Seishirou showed him later. The realisation came in a lightning flash. The onmyouji stopped. Seishirou looked at him. "It ends here." Surprise showed in the one good eye of the ghost. "What does?" "Your hold on me." "My hold?" "I've been hating the wrong people." He though about Kamui and Arashi. "They gave me chance to clearly see what was happening so I could make a decision without regrets." "And just what do you see so clearly now?" "That you don't love me. Your last words to me were a lie." "Were they?" Both eyes gleamed. "Yes, they were." Subaru let go of the ghost hand. "You only told me you loved me because you wanted me to die with you, to commit suicide with you. You knew that if I thought you loved me, I would want to be with you forever and you were right." The ghost smiled thinly. "Was my love that important to you? It seemed you were willing to die with me even if I didn't love you. Wasn't it your wish to have me kill you?" Subaru's voice was so soft, it was almost a whisper. "There was no love in that wish. I wanted you to kill me because I wanted to know that I was worth at least that much to you. "Seishirou-san." His voice was full of gentle wrath. "There was a time when I loved you more than anyone else in the world. But the person I loved wasn't you. And since then, I haven't love you in a very, very long time." His smile was clear in the moonlight. There was a touch of humour in it that Seishirou had never seen before. "You've just granted my wish, Seishirou-san. I thank you for it, but I can't grant you yours. You're going to have to go to the other side without me." He reached out to the face before him, the face whose impassive expression never changed, and closed his eyes for him, as if he was a real person. The ghost grew transparent at fake touch and then faded away. "Good-bye." Subaru was alone. - - - - - - - - - - - The waves were dragging at his feet as he stood at the edge of the water. He stared for a few minutes at the place where Seishirou's ghost disappeared. He thought: There must have been some love for him left during those ten years after he killed Hokuto-chan. I wouldn't have reacted so strongly to his last words it there wasn't. But even that love is gone now. This wasn't what you wished for, was it, Hokuto-chan? But deep down inside, you must have known it wouldn't have worked out between us. Not unless we both died. And you didn't want that. I don't want it either. Not on his terms. I'll always hated that you left me alone, Hokuto-chan, but I forgive you, and I'm grateful to you for giving me a second chance. He thought about Kamui. He smiled. This time I actually have a glimmer of a chance for some happiness. It may not happen though. I may end up back here. But it will be on my terms. He walked back to the cement to retrieve his socks and shoes. Then he headed back to the mansion. - - - - - - - - - - - End of Fic</pre><p><a href="./">Back</a></p><p><a href=http://www.dreamhost.com/donate.cgi?id=216><img border=0 alt="Donate towards our web hosting bill!" src=https://secure.newdream.net/donate1.gif></a></p></body></html>