http://clampfix.fanworks.net/x-fix/ignorance.txt </head><body><pre>Notes: Yes, I wrote a Kamui fic (and quite a long time ago). An introspective actually. All I can say is if you know what my general opinion of Kamui is, please dotn' write this off inmediately. The one I sent right BEFORE this (already deleted it from the site) has screwed up formatting. I apologise for sending it twice ^^;;; IGNORANCE IS BLISS Every time you touch me, I hurt. It's the same every single time... but your touch is always different in some way, and the way it hurts me changes too... it /has/ changed, over time. It used to hurt because I didn't understand. I thought I loved Kotori, and yet, she could never wake in me the feelings that your touch could, the dreams your hands could spawn. I didn't understand it, and I was afraid of it, I didn't know enough, I didn't know why, all I knew was that I wasn't supposed to feel this way. You gave me pleasure then, and it hurt because it made me feel guilty, and I didn't know /why/... /Ignorance is bliss./ Then it started to change. It used to be that you seemed to touch me accidently, without really meaning to, and sometimes you seemed just as startled by it as I was. That was before your eyes changed. It happened slowly, a little at a time. At first, it didn't last more than a few minutes... but during those few minutes you started touching me in ways that were somehow /more/. My skin awoke under your fingers, fingers at once rough and gentle. If things had been different... if there had been no Kotori... if your eyes weren't so empty as you pulled me so close that I could feel your breath on my face... Your touch scared me then. And I didn't understand /why/ it scared me. /Ignorance is bliss. / It would happen more and more often, about your eyes... I knew something was happening to you, I knew somehow it had to do with me, with who I am, and I wanted to keep you safe from it, to keep you safe from me... To keep /you/ safe from /me/... ... it would seem like such a funny joke if it wasn't so cruel. One day, your eyes didn't change back. I had been crying that day, and you held us both, me and Kotori. In that one perfect moment, with your arms around us both, there was no guilt, no shame at feeling the way I did, it was alright, to love you both, in different ways but just as much. I thought then, for a brief instant, that I'd figured out a way to keep both safe... I thought it would be okay. I thought I could figure it all out, my feelings, my doubts, my desires. I thought I could handle it. "Do you have someone you wish to protect, Kamui?" For that chance, I would shoulder a responsibility I didn't really want. Just to keep you safe. And then your eyes changed, like they had so many times, but this time... it was different... minutes passed, and they didn't change back. They weren't blank and empty anymore, but they weren't like before. They weren't /your/ eyes anymore. It wasn't you anymore. It wasn't you, Fuuma. It wasn't you it wasn't you it wasn't you. It /couldn't/ be you. I was sure it wasn't you. Please tell me this isn't you, Fuuma... /Ignorance is bliss./ I used to be cold. At least, I tried to pretend to be cold and strong. I told myself I had seen terrible things, and that had made me this way. I had no idea what I was talking about. I didn't know. I didn't know what true grief was, I didn't know the meaning of the words /impotent/ and /helpless/. I didn't know how cruel destiny is. Everything that had gone before... I always took comfort in knowing my power, in knowing that /I/ was Kamui... whatever /that/ meant... But that day at the pool... all that power... what use is all my power, if I couldn't stop what happened? If I couldn't stop you from killing her, from becoming... /this/. You touched me again, and this time there was pain such as I'd never felt before in my life, but it was a pain I'd feel again and again thereafter. There was pain and terror and helplessness, but deep down I still wanted... ...you. I always wanted you, and I always will. I realized that then. I will always want you, Fuuma, no matter how much your touch hurts me. And it is /that/ knowledge that hurts me most of all.</pre><p><a href="./">Back</a></p><p><a href=http://www.dreamhost.com/donate.cgi?id=216><img border=0 alt="Donate towards our web hosting bill!" src=https://secure.newdream.net/donate1.gif></a></p></body></html>