http://clampfix.fanworks.net/x-fix/stillinside.txt </head><body><pre>fic: Still Inside by:spheeris1 pairing: subaru x seishirou series: X warnings: hmmm...I don't think so.... note: my first post and I hope you like it ^^ And I have some song lyrics at the beginning to be known by the /.../ I own only the fic, not the charas or the song. ****** /How could I ever think it's funny how everything you swore would never change is different now like you said you and me make it through didn't quite fell apart where the fuck were you?/ somewhat damaged by NIN **** Still inside... Even though you took everything away from me, tore it apart... My naive eyes and open smile. My only emotions left to me were hate and anger, fear and depression. Even so, they revolved around you. And deeper still, at my core, you lived...an image of longing and want, all that I needed to heal these wounds. But... But the wounds still bleed. Those wounds you caused. that hole you ripped and made your home in. Your ghost lives with me, each day, reminding me of the past that cannot change. I am no longer walking that thin line between reality and fantasy. I am no longer threading my pain into the faded locks of my bitterness. I am trying to take something from you, something that you need...that gets you through the night. Tonight... Tonight, I will grasp for the unattainable. And my fingers will hold fast. And a piece will be returned to me, even if the rest of my soul is still locked in your embrace. This time is mine, forever. Did you know? About your place in my heart? Of course you do. I am your work of art, your creation. did I become all you envisioned? Or did I falter? Both..yes, complicated I am. I have dreamed of this moment. When I could have you here, in my hold, under my gaze...my hands upon your shoulders...my anger will hold you down like love cannot, my want of you will fuel this fire inside of me. You look taken aback...always wanting things your way. I am the best example of not getting what you want, so quiet the fear...taking you will be all you'll ever want from me again. You look so calm, in these binds. I wish I didn't have to keep you this way, I wish there was some other way to kill the past and change the future. But there is not. The future for you and I is already decided, Seishirou-san. Have I finally lost my mind? What a stupid question. My mind, my soul, my heart...all gone from my control...you have held the strings for so long. I have become your marionette, some false thing, a toy for you to manipulate. And I let you. Desperate for your affections and to annihilate any hope inside of me...Now, I have you, for once, caught off guard. Will I even do anything? How could I know what to do? This is the only way for me now, Seishirou-san...an anodyne experience, the balm to my scars. And for you, a glimpse at what has become of me. Sunglasses on the bedside table. Your suit so neatly folded upon the chair. The black leather straps look so different against your skin. Your one working eye seems to caress me while I stare, transfixed, by the false eye...it's glass reflecting me, broken and still unsure of my next move. Maybe your hoping I will not go any further and than angers me more. I gently slide my fingers over your chest, the smooth columns. You seem to relax...is this what you have waited for as well? For me to use you? I dig my nails into your side. A small scratch appears. A trickle of blood is my reward, your skin under my nail. I kiss your stomach and flick my tongue against the warmth of your abdomen. You grow quiet...I look up and your eye watches me. You think I am scared? Maybe I am, but no tears of vulnerability tonight. And if I cannot hold back the anguish that is my constant companion, you will drink my sadness. I pull off my coat and shirt, slip my pants down, remove my boots. Now you smile, as if you know my intentions and it amuses you. I can feel a scowl present itself upon my face. You think you know me so well? I do. You only know what you have done to me...nothing more. things are different now. They will never be different, Subaru-kun. Don't call me that, not now. You seem unsettled. Is this going to be a waste of my time? Don't mock me..no jokes. Fine...then do what you will, I won't put up a fight...especially considering how you look right now. You've seen this before. Did you not think I would find out? Never. Then you underestimate me. Of course, beginning is always hard, the first step down a road you know has no ending. I kiss your lips lightly, tasting just a hint of tobacco on them. My hands rest on your arms, my fingers holding onto your taut muscles...out of the corner of my eye, I follow the light blue of a vein running across your shoulder. I drag my index finger along it. You seem to shiver at the touch and I continue to let my finger travel, moving from one vein to the next. I feel disconnected somehow...my hand touching you, my lips kissing your neck and cheek...yet my mind is frozen and my heart aches. Why could you not just tell me? Am I something to you? Or nothing? You hunt me and leave me, you take over my life and keep me away...you kill my sister and let me remain, you take my innocence and yet want my inexperience to stay...always questions, never answers. I bite your lower lip, drawing blood...my second infliction upon your body. It will not be the last. I smell your fine black hair. A scent of all that you are lingering in my lungs...danger, grace, pain, calm. You are a mass of contradictions. So much I despise and so much that I love. Each kiss I bestow, you return. My lips feel swollen, raw. But I cannot stop...a small tendril of fire has been kindled in the pit of my stomach, embers forgotten long ago. The love you created still resides and has waited for this opportunity. My hands explore you, caressing your sides and massaging your torso. For some reason, I never thought your body would be warm. I envisioned cold and hard plains, steel. Instead, I find something malleable and soft, even the muscle is reposed under my touch. I feel flushed...I am not used to desire. Only futile want and longing. A conflict, pure need and pure rage fighting for control. I quickly place my hand upon the inside of your leg, sliding up to your growing erection. Gently, I touch you, rubbing the tip of my fingers over the head, listening to your breathing accelerate. I am more bold than I thought, a voice says deep within the recesses of my consciousness. I lower my mouth and let my tongue lick you, encircle you...your hips raise ever so slightly, encouraging me to go further, but I pull away. And I sigh. I straddle your hips, my legs stretched as wide as possible to accomplish this act. this mode of contact seems to arouse me, a deep and pulsing sensation between my legs. I move foward slowly, my crotch pushing into yours...slow...and your fingers open and close. My eyes become slits, my body doing all I tell it to, gladly. You feel so good...I have wanted you for so long...I love you and you know that..it it my malediction. Heat. that is the only word to describe the feeling going through me...and inferno of aching want in the both of us, welding us together for this moment, this suspension of time and reality. My hands lay palm down upon your chest as I rock back and forth, a steady slow movement. You look a little shocked..at what? My desire for you? Or that you like this? Under my control, under my body. You begin to move faster, your hips rising upward and off the bed, but I push you back...you obey. I smile at you, a genuine feeling of affection and you reciprocate, for once not a smirk but a warm grin..I lean down to kiss you. I want to taste your lips and savor them, the tender red flesh beckoning me. I feel your tongue push into my mouth. I close my eyes and reach behind your head, pulling the strap from your left hand. Not a second goes by before your arm wraps around my waist and draws me closer...Pressed against your chest, my hands entwined in your hair, my sudden eagerness to devour you taking over. I kiss you chin, your neck, your collar bone and shoulder. Your hand gently floats over my back, just a whisper of your fingers on my body. A question...what do I want? To take you? I wouldn't know how, even though some part of me wants it to be that way. To be taken by you? No..even if it felt like heaven, I have already had too many glimpses of hell in his arms. To do nothing? I am too far gone for 'nothing'. I look at you and you look at me. A pause I instigated, gauging my next move. Your hand, warm and soft, lies on the mattress. It looks so unassuming, just lying there. No one would guess the harm it can cause. I feel the knot inside of me tighten, the hardness reclaiming it's rightful place in my heart. Your brow furrows at my silence. I set my jaw. Tonight. Tonight I take back some of me. I put your hand back in it's bound. My hands do not shake as I lift your legs, my breath does not stop when I feel your backside upon my upper thigh. Even so, my eyes freeze in astonishment. As if I do not know what I am doing. You let me do this, always the calm Seishirou. Tears begin to fall from my eyes. You look at me and ask to be untied again. I slowly comply. But instead leaving or pushing me down, you stay prone for my next action. A hand, your hand, touches me..caresses me, making me groan and react to you...my eyelids flutter shut..as my arousal grows, you move me inside of you...my eyes shoot open, the shock of sensation coursing thorugh me. Your hold on my cock like a hot vise, tight and insistent. An arching back. Fingers gripping sheets. Sweat. Pulsing...needing...wanting...I have never felt this before. This..will not last... I know... Our back and forth, in and out, holding and releasing. A tidal wave washes over me, my senses returning. I hadn't noticed my hands, how they held you tightly. Or how deep I was inside of you. How I moved into quickly, rapid thrusts. How I groaned in utter happiness at draining into you. Or how, when you came, you whispered my name... Subaru... I smoke endlessly. Cigarette after cigarette. The ash falls to the wooden floor. The darkness surrounds me and I happily delve into it's cover. Your gone. I had not said it before. The smoke looks blue in the nighttime, drifting out the window. Your..... ....gone... **** end spheeris1 notes: I wrote this after getting into a chat with my g/f....I believed that subaru should get to take the lead sometimes ^^</pre><p><a href="./">Back</a></p><p><a href=http://www.dreamhost.com/donate.cgi?id=216><img border=0 alt="Donate towards our web hosting bill!" src=https://secure.newdream.net/donate1.gif></a></p></body></html>