http://clampfix.fanworks.net/x-fix/strength.txt </head><body><pre>A little SxK angst/waff. Presumably takes place sometime in the near future of X17. C&Cs please. All characters are property of CLAMP. Standard disclaimers apply. --- Strength An "X" Fanfic Presented by Alison Koh The stillness of the room was disturbed only by the steady breathing noise of the contraption currently connected to the unconscious figure on the bed. Kamui cursed himself for being so useless. Once again, a Seal was hurt and he could do nothing about it. He could not apologise though he wanted desperately to, because it would be an insult to the other two silent figures in the room. Sorata was struggling for his life while Arashi was holding onto his hand by his bedside. True, the Kouyan monk was critically injured while trying to protect Arashi, but it was Fuuma who cast the deadly blow. And Fuuma managed to escape unscathed because Kamui had hesitated fighting his old friend. After some time, Kamui gathered enough courage to speak. "How is he doing?" he asked. Without turning around to look at him, Arashi replied, "He'll make it. He has to. Or I'll never forgive him..." She began to sob against her will. Kamui felt uncomfortable and more than a little guilty. He recalled how Arashi had screamed Sorata's name when the monk fell as the full impact of the Dark Kamui's blast hit him. She had been inconsolable throughout the time Sorata was in surgery. At one point she had even lashed out angrily at Kamui. "/It's all your fault. Why didn't you stop the other /Kamui/? When are you going to accept that your friend is gone? How many more innocents are you going to let him kill before you'll fight him?/" Kamui remembered the exact words and they hurt him. Yet he knew what Arashi had said was true. He had let all his friends and comrades down because he simply refused to let go of his past, to give up his wish. He thought of Subaru's wish and became even more sullen. "I want to be alone with Sorata, if you don't mind," Arashi said. It was a barely veiled order for him to leave. Kamui did not argue and silently made his exit. * The harbour waters were murky and debris floated from the fallen Rainbow Bridge. It had become a daily routine for Kamui to come here in the hope that he might meet Subaru. Or rather that Subaru might choose to appear before him. But Subaru never came. Nevertheless, Kamui never gave up hope. He could not explain it, but something like a gut feeling told him that Subaru was always around, watching him secretly. And Kamui had told himself that he was going to continue this ritual to convince Subaru that there were still people who were concerned for him. But today was different. He sorely needed Subaru's reassuring presence. He could not face the other Seals without seeing Arashi's accusations reflected in their eyes. Only Subaru understood him. Very loudly he cried out the Sumeragi's name, feeling the sound reverberate in the air about him. But there was no response. Was he wrong perhaps? The Sakurazukamori was dead. What else was there for Subaru to live for? Maybe Subaru was already lying at the bottom of the harbour with the body of his true love. There was a period, when Kamui was recovering from his last encounter with Fuuma in Shinjuku, where Kamui had hoped that Subaru might feel something for him. He had thought he saw the light returning to Subaru's eyes, but now he felt he must have imagined it all. Subaru loved only the Sakurazukamori. He was obsessed with that man. There was no room in his heart for anyone else, and certainly not for a confused teenager who could not even take care of himself. Sometimes Kamui wondered if his mother ever loved him, or was he merely a tool to her. Just like he was a tool to everyone else. Indispensable for the Promised Day. But what about after that, assuming he would still be alive? Kamui wanted to scream. At that very moment, he realised that life must hate him, so why should he love it? "I'm a useless 'Kamui' anyway. Nobody needs me around," he said, before plunging straight into the water. * He was resting on something soft beneath him. Kamui opened his eyes slowly, a little disoriented. He blinked his eyes to clear his vision and scanned the room. He was lying on a huge bed in an unfamiliar room. He sat up quickly - too quickly for he felt his head spin a little - and took in his surroundings again. This was definitely not anywhere inside the Imonoyama mansion. As he prepared to crawl out from beneath the sheets, he realised he was not wearing much except for a cotton housecoat that was a little too large for his small frame. He walked over to the dresser and took a good look at himself in the mirror. A little pale and tired-looking, but otherwise fine. Which disturbed him. He ought to be lying at the bottom of Tokyo harbour by now. Unless this was really the Afterlife, in which case he was a little disappointed by its ordinariness. After taking a quick wash from the basin in the adjoining bathroom, he decided to explore the rest of the house and especially its curious occupant. The place was well furnished with expensive but tasteful décor. He seemed to be alone for no one responded to his call as he trekked around the house. Interestingly, there was not even a single photo to indicate the identity of the owner. Maybe this was a dream, thought Kamui. Nothing ever made much sense in dreams, even if they belonged to Hinoto or Kakyou. There were occasions where he could not help but wonder if the dreamgazers got their interpretations wrong, especially since he never felt as powerful as they made him out to be. In contrast to the rest of the house, the kitchen was sparse. Obviously the owner was not a habitual cook. Kamui saw that a plate of sandwiches on the table and he immediately felt his stomach growl in response. Though he was afraid of being rude, he was really hungry. Nevertheless, he figured he could apologise to his host later, and attacked the food. He jumped and almost choked on his sandwich when a gentle voice spoke, "I'm glad you're awake." Kamui looked up, his violent eyes wide with surprise and joy. "Subaru?" he said. The Sumeragi nodded and then entered the kitchen with a shopping bag in his left hand. He passed it to Kamui, saying, "Your clothes were wet and needed a wash. I bought you some new ones." "Thank you," Kamui accepted the gift hesitantly. Sumeragi sat down beside Kamui and motioned him to continue with his meal. "How are the others?" he asked. Kamui was quick to note that Subaru never asked him about his suicide attempt and he was strangely grateful for it. He replied, "Sorata is in a critical condition because I refused to hurt Fuuma." He lowered his head guiltily. "I'm useless," he mumbled. Just when he thought that Subaru was going to admonish him, he felt a pair of arms reach out to his shoulders and turned him around to face Subaru. "You are not useless, Kamui," the Sumeragi said, "Just because you care too much doesn't make you useless." "But everyone is getting hurt because of me. Saiki, you, Sorata..." "No, I got hurt through my own choice, my own wish. But it was you who stopped me from hurting myself further." "How?" Kamui asked but Subaru did not answer him immediately. Instead the Sumeragi stood up, looked around the place and said, "This house belonged to Seishirou-san." Kamui felt an ache in his heart at the sound of that name but he kept silent and allowed Subaru to continue. "Actually it belongs to the Sakurazukamori, and now it belongs to me." "Sakurazukamori?" Kamui gasped, "You mean..." Subaru shrugged, "I don't really know. Sometimes I thought I might have become like him, but then I'm not so sure. I've been trapped within the Sakura's influence for so long it makes little difference to me." "But the killing..." "I may not understand Seishirou-san despite all those years hunting him, but he understood me very well. He was right when he said that I could never bring myself to kill. Maybe that's the reason he chose me. It was his way of protesting against his destiny and having the last laugh at his family's legacy. Perhaps he even hoped that I would kill myself, so distraught that I was by his death. And I almost did, if not for you." Kamui was puzzled. "Me?" "Yes you," Subaru said. "When I left Clamp Campus a month ago, I went back to the place where he died. I wanted to join him but something deep inside me held me back. It wasn't a fear of death, that I do know since I've always wanted to die anyway. "It was something else, but try as I might, I could not figure out. I went back to that place every day, each time hoping that this day would be it, that I could finally kill myself and end this miserable and hopeless existence. But I couldn't. And yes, I know you were there too, but I refused to meet you because I was ashamed of what I was trying to do." "I wanted you to know that we still care for you," Kamui explained. "I know, and that's why I can't reveal myself to you. I thought I didn't care about anything. But when you jumped this morning, I panicked. I followed you into the water without thinking, only knowing that I had to save you. I was so relieved when I finally felt your hand through the muddy depths and pulled you back to land. You almost scared me when you failed to breathe. I thought I was too late and almost jumped for joy when you came around after I applied CPR," he told the boy. Kamui looked away sadly. "Everybody is protecting me only because I am Kamui. I am supposed to be important for the Promised Day." With a gentle touch of his fingers on Kamui's chin, Subaru forced the boy to look at him and then he smiled gently, "You're wrong. I saved you because you are important to me. The thing that had prevented me from killing myself was you. I didn't realise it earlier, blinded as I was by my past with Seishirou-san. But it came to me like a flash of lightning when I thought I was about to lose you forever. That was why I panicked, Kamui. I was afraid that you might die." Kamui bit his lower lip, unable to believe what he was hearing. This was a wish stronger that the one he held for Fuuma's return, but one which he dared not voice out to anyone. Yet he feared to accept it, he feared happiness. For everything else that had given him happiness had been taken away from him swiftly afterwards. He tried to change the focus, "But what about the Sakurazukamori?" Subaru said, "I once fell in love with a 'Seishirou-san' who promised to love me during that one year when I was sixteen, but he was only an illusion of the Sakurazukamori. I thought I might love the Sakurazukamori even though he killed my twin sister, but I couldn't. Like you, I wanted the person I once knew to return to me. Therefore it didn't matter what the Sakurazukamori told me just before he died, because he was not the 'Seishirou-san' I was looking for. "But you, Kamui, are real. I felt such peace and comfort in your presence that I've never known for a very long time. I know that I'm asking too much for you to accept me. Especially as Kotori-san died not too long ago, plus I'm a man," Subaru paused to chuckle softly as he recalled a joke from the past. "But please believe that my feelings for you are true." Kamui reached out to hold Subaru's hand tightly in his and replied, "I believe you and I really like you too. But I'm afraid of my destiny. What if I fail to protect you and everyone else again?" "You must have faith in yourself, Kamui," Subaru told him, "You have the power to challenge fate. I believe in you, and I'm sure so does Arisugawa-kun. The others want to believe in you too. But you must first believe in yourself. Do you?" Apprehensively, Kamui lifted his head up to gaze into Subaru's eyes, afraid of what he might see there. But Subaru's expression was firm, full of faith and...love. That love was enough to give Kamui strength and the boy said, "I believe." He had jumped into the Tokyo harbour to kill himself but had emerged as if baptised with all his fears and doubts washed away to the sea. Subaru held Kamui in a loving embrace and said, "Then let us go back together and join the others." With a smile, Kamui sank happily into the warmth of Subaru's body. * "That person has become a Dragon of Heaven again," Fuuma said, referring to Subaru. Kakyou nodded silently with an inscrutable expression. The Dark Kamui apparently read a little of his dreamgazer's thoughts and smirked in derision. "It won't change anything. The Future is fixed. Fate cannot be derailed and you know that," he reminded him before leaving the dreamscape. An odd peace descended on Kakyou as he whispered, "But there are some things that even dreams cannot foresee. "Like the human heart." ----- Dreams of Sakura Home -- http://www.geocities.com/dreams_of_sakura X Shrine -- http://www.geocities.com/asuka_sg</pre><p><a href="./">Back</a></p><p><a href=http://www.dreamhost.com/donate.cgi?id=216><img border=0 alt="Donate towards our web hosting bill!" src=https://secure.newdream.net/donate1.gif></a></p></body></html>